Don't Be a Twat. Part 4.

2002-2012

So. The concluding chapter in the "Twat Saga."I was a weird twat in school and a hesitant twat in college. Self doubt plagues me through uni, throughout 2002 and onwards...

For the next few years I pull the odd girl here and there, going on the occasional date, but not finding anything special. Dates with girls I don't fancy go nowhere as I just don't want them; dates with girls I do like don't go anywhere either, because I'm a twat and I don't see any reason why they would want me. A third scenario seemed to replay in my dating life: I keep attracting the biggest psychos known to man. Girls I land with tell me about fights they've been in. They drink pints. They show off the scars on their knuckles. They are openly and fiercely racist, even on first dates. When I dump them they get angrier.

In 2005 I graduate with a 2:1 BSc Hons, defying my still-standing beliefs that I was a moronic twat. Having said that, I can't find a job and continue with bar work. Again, I mostly pull on dance floors without speaking to the girl first, which- in retrospect- explains why I've dated so many crazy, violent women. Slightly more stable women would make you jump through a few more hoops first, right?

Now, I warned you that I was a twat, yeah? I was a twat for the way I behaved in school, I was a twat for believing that I was ugly and nobody would ever fancy me, I was a twat for not standing up to my teachers in school- generally, I spent five out of thirty of my years so far being an out-and-out twat. At 17, when I started going out, I found that girls would pounce on me, then back away once they realised how insecure I was. Of course, I didn't realise that was what was putting them off until I was in my mid-20's.

I have coasted by all my adult life on looks, and I didn't realise that until I was 29. Whenever I pulled a girl, it happened quickly- and I would have no idea each time why she liked me. It has been my personality- my twat-like persona laden with lifelong self-doubt- that has put them off. I had a chance with my cousins' friends. I had a chance with C from the Ritz. Even Z came back onto me 3 years after I'd given up. By that time I'd lost interest, typically, so nothing happened there.

I was a twat for choosing a technical university course when my skills were in writing, and I was a twat for trying to get a tech job when I should have been working with words. I was a twat for not realising that if you spend your time doing what you're good at, you'll enjoy your life and you'll have a reason to believe in yourself. Spend it doing what you're not good at, and you won't achieve either of those.

The biggest mistake I made was expecting to find some hidden technique that would make me do the right thing with women, meaning a woman could come into my life and make me happy. I was a twat for thinking that. I'm just about to turn 30 now, and the penny has dropped: be happy with yourself first. Then others will be happy with you too. What I should have done was gritted my teeth through college (a time when I was too busy to date anyway) and done a writing course, which I would have excelled in and been enthusiastic on and proud of myself for doing. This would have made me happier generally, and I would probably have found that women would have been happy to be with me.

Don't be like me. Stick to your strengths. Don't listen to needless criticism. Accept praise when it comes. Like yourself. Enjoy your time here before it runs out. Don't be a twat.