Pic courtesy wallyg, Flickr. The Manhattan Bridge, seen from the same spot used in the filming (and subsequently the poster) of Once Upon a Time in America.
I
went back to my teen days this month and geeked out by staying in
watching copious amounts of films. I
was getting tired of everyone I know saying “I can't believe you
haven't seen that film!” So I did something about it. I also made a
few notes while I was watching them, so that when it came to writing
this post I could recap.
Here's
the line-up:
Once
Upon a Time in America with DVD commentary.
Watched
this before a few times, but was desperate to figure this film out.
After reading the plot on Wikipedia and this Q and A, I think the penny has dropped. Absolutely incredible movie.
Anchorman
Clichéd
comedy about rivalling TV news presenters. Funny in places.
Predictable. Think Austin Powers on CNN.
Training
Day
Brilliant
cop drama. Well plotted. Rookie character was a little too frail to
have realistically been accepted onto the Force though.
Stepbrothers
Mates
rave about this tale of two kidults brought together by their ageing
parents' marriage. It's funny, but still pretty formulaic.
Batman
Begins
Interesting
to see the creation of this well-known superhero. Unfortunately, it
was laden with unrealistic fight scenes and an unconvincingly
weak-spirited mayor (Harvey Dent, played by Gary Oldman). Over-long.
Unbelievable that no citizen of Gotham stopped to think, who's got
the money for all these cars and gadgets?! Who's the only millionaire
here?
The
Dark Knight
Same.
Fun but unimpressive.
This
video says it all.
The
Dark Knight Rises
Further
Gothic hokum. Again, this video strips the movie bare and exposes it
for the charade it is:
Michael
Caine, as Alfred, predictably steals the show in all three.
Bloodsport
An
early Van Damme movie about a deadly martial arts tournament. An
Enter the Dragon remake for the following decade. (Both films feature
bodybuilder / Martial artist Bolo Yeung.) Fun, but an awful script.
“The triads- they are like the Mafia...” As well as featuring the
Muscles from Brussels in one of his earliest films, a young Forrest
Whittaker also flexed his acting muscles. A few questions re the
plot: Why would you get away with assaulting a police officer? And
why, in the middle of a bare-knuckle, no-holds-barred martial arts
fight, would you change your stance- on your opponent's suggestion?!
Weirder still- this is a true story based on the exploits of martial
artist Frank Dux. It'd be interesting to see how much is true.
Zombie
Strippers
NOW
we're talking. This no-budget schlock-comedy features a troop of
marines sent into a strip joint to combat an outbreak of zombies.
Exactly as cheesy as it sounds. There's a scene
in which an eastern-European girl uses the phrase “boys with toys”,
which is very reminiscent of a line from Tomorrow Never Dies, a line
also delivered by an Eastern European female character. The
movie is probably a metaphor for the average clientele of a strip
club. Was hoping it would be funnier, mind.
Story
of O
“Erotic” story.
Female photographer “O”, an young ambitious bimbo
struggling for money (despite having silicone implants) dreams of
making a book of her photos. She needs funding. Pervy rich
aristocratic bloke (with a typically posh English accent- quickly
defined as the protagonist's nemesis) offers money if she has a
steamy S&M session with him. Silly girl ends up being abused
repeatedly.
Characters
praise O’s mediocre photos, like they’re the best thing to happen
to the print media industry since Chinese wood block printing.
Terrible music, editing, script, acting- just a wreck of a movie.
Fans of 50 shades (i.e. morons) may like it.
Ju-On-
The Grudge 2
This
is the Japanese original sequel to the American franchise. Yes, they
were Japanese movies first, just like The Ring, Dark Water and
Infernal Affairs (The Departed). Japanese horrors are usually
brilliantly effective, But this one fell way below the benchmark.
Plot too brisk. No build-up of suspense. Terrible acting. Too many
“why”s. As in, “Why would that happen, realistically?”
Incredibly confusing edits.
No
Retreat: No Surrender
Karate
Kid remake with less charisma. The Mr Mayage figure is the ghost of
Bruce Lee, and is played by a bloke who doesn’t look anything like
him. DVD sleeve, featuring a young Van Damme, is misleading- The
Muscles from Brussels is the bad guy and gets minimal screen time.
Worst Van Damme movie ever. Worse than Black Eagle, in which VD also
plays the baddie. Laiden with cringey moments, including the
stereotypical black teenage sidekick with awful rapping “skills”.
The wreck of a script is botched further by the terrible editing.
No
Retreat: No Surrender 2
It
gets weirder still: This one starts not in a city in the US, but in
Vietnam. Vietnamese characters get no subtitles until around ten
minutes into the film, by which time you’ll have no fucking idea
what’s going on. One particular scene wins the award for featuring
the most unconvincing crocodile in cinematic history. Another wins
the award for weirdest barbeque, featuring white buddhist monks in US
army fatigues dancing around an emaciated pig corpse on some kind of
square spit. One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
No
Retreat: No Surrender 3
“Gold
Coast Florida… That’s in the USA alright.”
Oh
God. Make it stop. Who PAYS for this shit? Who scripts it? Who gave
the green light for this diabolical mess?! Poor print quality. Bad
acting. And why do bad guys attack the hero one at a time just to get
sequentially beaten up? Why not gang up and trounce the guy?
Source
Code
NOW
we’re talking. Comatose pilot can “jump” into situations from
one reality to another using his mind, on behalf of the US military.
His job: find a bomber on a train that will blow up on entry into a
city. The bombing scenario can be repeatedly reenacted, through the
source code, meaning he can be “killed” an infinite number of
times- as many as it takes to save the people. Think Die Hard meets
Groundhog Day. It’s also reminiscent of an episode of SF comedy
series Red Dwarf, called “The End”, in which the characters are
all killed in an explosion only to find themselves plugged into a
virtual reality simulator.
Source
Code is a complex, brilliant, inventive and engaging mind-fuck.
The
Raven
Edgar
Allen Poe is a talented but devisive author, whose violent stories
are loved and reviled in equal measures. His popularity takes a
nose-dive, however, when somebody starts committing murders in homage
to his tales. Think Basic Instinct in the 1800s, from the perspective
of the writer. It’s also reminiscient of Bret Easton Ellis’ novel
Lunar Park. Despite a familiar premise it’s an exciting story.
Thumbs up.
Zero
Dark Thirty
Dramatisation
of the hunt for Bin Laden, resulting in his assassination. It
portrays the “official” story, appropriately brushing over Bin
Laden’s CIA-trained past and with no mention of conspiracy
theories, like “he’s been dead for years”, or “America is
hiding him”. Despite this, it’s totally convincing, long but
never tiresome, and always gripping even when you know what’s going
to happen. What makes it interesting is the inclusion of events at
the time that you might have heard about on the news. The characters
meet at the Karachi Marriot. Does this sound familiar? If it does, you’ll find
out why.
Immense.
Watch this movie.
Dredd
A
surprisingly violent but impressive reinvention of the 2000AD comic
strip. Dredd is partnered with a young female rookie to show her the
ropes. With Megacity One being a violent hell-hole she’d be screwed
normally, but she has one defense mechanism- she’s psychic. Her
predictions help the pair when they’re locked into a Bronx-esqe
housing complex. A little unconvincing that Judge Dredd’s Lawgiver
gun can carry so many bullets, and the soundtrack included terrible
80s guitar riffs. Also unconvincing was the- interestingly female-
nemesis. What was her semi-English accent about? Regardless, great
fun and a massive improvement on the cheese-fest Stallone ’95
version.
Well.
I didn’t get anywhere near as many films watched as I wanted, but
needs must. The weather has been brilliant and I didn’t want to
miss the minute amount of sun we get in this country. The films I did
watch were, on the whole, well worth watching.
Gorgeous!
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