ONCE
UPON A TIME IN GREAT BRITAIN
By
Matt Tuckey
2019
Spoken
Parts (in order of appearance):
Tom
Aaronson
Toby
Guard
1
Lecturer
on Dictaphone recording
Stu
Devant
Callum
Bartender
/ Dave
Tony
Manager
Yanyan
Heavy-set
1
Heavy-set
2
Presenter
Radio
Newsreader
Gunchester
Dodgy
Chav 1
White
Stall Clerk
Receptionist
Chris
Hard
Nose
John
Employment
Officer
Reluctant
young man
TITLE:
ONCE
UPON A TIME IN GREAT BRITAIN
NOTE:
The following scene is a montage of three years of university life.
Throughout this scene, clothes will change as will the weather and
décor and physical appearance of the characters. This opening scene
takes place in the early 2000’s.
TOM
(V/O)
I was already stoned by the time I
enrolled.
INT.
UNIVERSITY HALL- DAY
TOM
AARONSON, 22, mixed-race, half black, our protagonist, is sat in
front of an enrolment desk and flashed with a webcam. He’s dazed,
sweating. He receives his student ID.
TOM
(V/O)
I
moved out of the children's home, or I was moved out, the moment I
turned 18. I'd only been living in that flat for a few months, about
two miles out of the city centre, but I still moved out once the
course started. I thought, why do uni like you’re still at college?
Besides, I’d never have had the world’s weirdest flatmate, a
pyromaniac with a Tolkien fixation…
INT.
STUDENT ROOM-NIGHT
Tom’s
hanging some shirts when he sees a piece of paper being slid under
the door. He throws the shirts down and snatches the piece of paper
away, blowing out the newly ignited end of the paper. He opens the
door and the said flatmate is laughing.
TOBY
(flatmate, in a raspy voice)
Shire!
Baggins!
CUT
TO:
Tom
is asleep in bed. A hose enters frame. Squirts Tom in the face, who
wakes up and chases squirter (Toby) out of the room.
CUT
TO:
INT.
TOBY’S ROOM-NIGHT
Tom
and Toby, listening to The Streets' first album with joints in their
hands. Toby is wearing a see-through plastic poncho over boxers, plus
black shoes with shaving foam on the ends. They're laughing ‘til it
hurts. There are clothes all over the floor. Toby’s bent double
with laughter. Then he yanks a jumper from beneath Tom’s feet and
he flies backwards. Toby laughs harder until he literally pisses
himself.
TOM
(V/O)
Get
into an altercation with an A-list footballer…
INT.
POSH BAR- NIGHT
A
man trips over Tom’s foot, completely accidentally. He lunges at
Tom and they both hit the floor.
EXT.
BAR
The
doors are opened and they are both thrown out.
TOM
(V/O)
Or
visit some famous Manchester venues…
MONTAGE-
NIGHT
Tom
is drunk urinating on the BBC Building, the Granada Building, Queen
Victoria’s statue, the CIS building, Old Trafford, and his own
cupboard.
INT.
STUDENT FLAT- NIGHT
Tom,
in his room, watching Apocalypse
Now. Brando is telling
Sheen- “my God. The genius of that… the will to do that… these
men were not monsters, they were trained comrades, these men were
filled with love, but they had the strength to do that…without
judgement- it is judgement that defeats us.”
LATER
Tom
is doing weights, topless, in the early hours of the morning, still
watching Apocalypse Now. Brando is saying, “If I had ten divisions
of these men… with the STRENGTH…” Out of his first floor flat,
girls come out of the local club. Tom winks at the girls. They wave
back, flirting.
INT.
A DIFFERENT STUDENT FLAT
Tom's
in his room, a top floor flat, slaving over the computer. He stops,
exhausted and almost subdued, and looks out over the impressive night
city skyline. Cuts slow down here.
TOM
(V/O)
Contrary
to popular belief, we actually did work at uni: very long hours and
for no pay whatsoever. It’s times like this that I felt like I was
the only person awake in the world.
INT.
A DARK ROOM-NIGHT
Tom
pours some sugar and milk into a cup of tea and stirs. Takes a sip.
Drum ’n’ bass music fades up. Camera pulls out: he is in a
cordoned-off area of a club where a stall has been set up for people
to drink tea. Behind him, everybody is high off the music. Some
people are high off something else.
TOM
(V/O)
Saw
legendary DJ’s Mr. Scruff and Armand Van Helden share a set in
Manchester, to name but two astounding DJ’s. There’s no shortage
of celebrities in this city. Shame I‘m not one of them…
EXT.
CAMPUS-DAY
Heavy
snowfall. Whitewash.
Students
are lobbing hundreds of snowballs at youths, who are determined to
make it inside the campus gates.
TOM
(V/O)
Had
the world’s biggest snowball fight against some local scallies…
The
accommodation hall’s driveway entrance looks like an amateur war
zone- the scallies are throwing hundreds of snowballs into the
campus, over the gate. The students return fire. Scallies are
retreating when two SECURITY GUARDS come out of their booth.
GUARD
1 (to students, heavy African accent)
Okay
guys; get back into your flats-
Guard
1 is immediately battered with (mostly student) snowballs. He
retreats to his booth, where the windows are instantly plastered with
snow.
More
students arrive and the scallies retreat, hit in the back with more
snowballs as they run off into the ‘hood.
Police
riot vans arrive, and are given the same treatment.
INT.
CENTRAL CORRIDOR- STUDENT FLATS- NIGHT
Camera
crabs across a collection of bottles- whiskey, beer, Lambrini, wine,
cider- as if they are skyscrapers on the horizon. A pair of oven
gloves lies among the bottles and ashtrays. In the middle of the
corridor lies a Ouija board.
Camera
tilts up. Tom, Toby, Stu and five other boys and girls kneel on the
carpet, glasses filled in front of them. On each person’s head, a
label is sellotaped with a name:
STEVIE
WONDER
JOHNNIE
KNOXVILLE
TONY
BLAIR
ERIC
CARTMAN
LOUISE
WOODWARD
KATE
WINSLET
SARA
COX
MARTIN
BASHIR
It
looks as though they have given up on the game they were playing. As
a security guard walks past, the bottle is passed around. They all
take a swig. With the security guard out of sight, a mirror and a bag
of cocaine are produced.
Tom,
Labelled “DICK”, forms a short line and hoovers it with a rolled
fiver.
A
glass is placed on the Ouija board. Fingers gather on the glass. The
word BANG is spelled out.
An
ice cube is passed, mouth-to-mouth, around the group.
The
girl labelled “TONY BLAIR” necks some Lambrini, finishing the
bottle, and plucks out the oven gloves. She walks off.
The
girl labelled “MARTIN BASHIR” spins the empty bottle of Lambrini.
It lands on the girl labelled “LOUISE WOODWARD”. They kiss, full
on, in front of everyone.
“TONY
BLAIR” returns with a plate full of large cookies- each embossed
with distinct green flecks of cannabis.
Tom,
or “DICK”, eats the space cake but doesn’t enjoy it.
INT.
KITCHEN-
MONTAGE
A
toaster pops up two slices.
A
frozen pizza is put in the oven.
The
cooked pizza is later taken out.
The
Microwave door is opened. The chicken korma microwave meal inside was
cooked a little too long and the korma has splattered all over the
interior of the machine.
Plates
pile up in the sink, in stop-motion fast forward.
INT.
CORRIDOR
“STEVIE
WONDER” pulls out a ball bearing gun from the front pocket of his
hoody. He shows it to Tom, who disappears into the kitchen.
He
reappears carrying a watermelon and a stool. He’s already laughing.
Tom
places the fruit on the stool at the end of the hall, and goes to
stand behind STEVIE WONDER.
STEVIE
WONDER fires. The sound is deafening. Everyone covers their ears
except STEVIE WONDER. The corridor light above the gun has been shut
off by the bang, but the red watermelon flesh has visibly gone
everywhere- floor, walls, ceiling, people- it looks like a massacre.
Everybody is laughing.
INT.
TOM’S ROOM- NIGHT.
The
opening credits of the film 'Speed' is on TV.
Tom
rips the headline section off the front page of 'Student News,' which
reads: 'Graduate Salaries Rise'.
He
then sprinkles out a line of a fine, white powder out of a foil
packet. Rolls the torn-off paper and snorts the line.
In
the film Speed, an engine revs heavily as it accelerates in time with
Tom doing the line. Tom’s V/O accelerates to a manic pace.
TOM
(V/O)
The
last twenty-four hours of available coursework time crept up on me
unexpectedly. It was about time I started my dissertation.
Tom’s
hands tremble as he hammers out words, switching between word
processor with dull yellow background, course notes, books,
fast-forwarding films, listening to Dictaphone recordings…
LECTURER
ON DICTAPHONE RECORDING
Digetic
sound is any noise that occurs naturally within the frame.
Non-digetic sound...
As
his dissertation prints, Tom and Stu play the film game. Their room
doors are open and the camera crabs quickly between the two as they
speak. They look like neither has slept in days.
STU
(Austrian accent)
You
are like fucking choirboy compared to me!
TOM
Fucking….
Arnie in Eraser. No. End of Days. Shit film.
STU
Keep
it going, keep it going!
TOM
Uh…
You know, Burke, I don’t know which species is worse. You don’t
see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage.
STU
Aliens.
Ripley.
TOM
Correct.
INT.
UNI BUILDING- DAY
Tom
races up the stairs, tired, hung over and hay fever allergies in full
effect. He barges into the hand-in office- the 'place of rest' for
all finished assignments- shoving other students aside like they
don’t exist. He scrawls on a cover sheet and hands it to the clerk,
who nervously takes it off him. She tears a receipt off for Tom, who
takes it…
Then
Tom violently vomits on the counter.
EXT.
STREET- NIGHT
Tom’s
been clubbing and has pulled a girl. He’s charming her as they walk
down the street.
TOM
(V/O)
I
tried to walk the straight and narrow, but I just couldn’t stop
myself from getting into fucking ridiculous situations. There were
cameras all over the place but I never got pulled up for this.
Tom
opens a taxi door as another man cuts in front of him. An argument
starts. The girl cuts in to calm things down.
BAM!
The man punches the girl in the face, hard. Her head flies back.
Tom
SNAPS. He punches the man three times and throws a knee in that drops
him. Then Tom kicks him twice in the stomach and once in the face.
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