Month-Long Movie Marathon

Pic courtesy wallyg, Flickr. The Manhattan Bridge, seen from the same spot used in the filming (and subsequently the poster) of Once Upon a Time in America.

I went back to my teen days this month and geeked out by staying in watching copious amounts of films. I was getting tired of everyone I know saying “I can't believe you haven't seen that film!” So I did something about it. I also made a few notes while I was watching them, so that when it came to writing this post I could recap.

Here's the line-up:

Once Upon a Time in America with DVD commentary.

Watched this before a few times, but was desperate to figure this film out. After reading the plot on Wikipedia and this Q and A, I think the penny has dropped. Absolutely incredible movie.

Anchorman

Clichéd comedy about rivalling TV news presenters. Funny in places. Predictable. Think Austin Powers on CNN.

Training Day

Brilliant cop drama. Well plotted. Rookie character was a little too frail to have realistically been accepted onto the Force though.

Stepbrothers

Mates rave about this tale of two kidults brought together by their ageing parents' marriage. It's funny, but still pretty formulaic.

Batman Begins

Interesting to see the creation of this well-known superhero. Unfortunately, it was laden with unrealistic fight scenes and an unconvincingly weak-spirited mayor (Harvey Dent, played by Gary Oldman). Over-long. Unbelievable that no citizen of Gotham stopped to think, who's got the money for all these cars and gadgets?! Who's the only millionaire here?

The Dark Knight

Same. Fun but unimpressive.

This video says it all.

The Dark Knight Rises

Further Gothic hokum. Again, this video strips the movie bare and exposes it for the charade it is:

Michael Caine, as Alfred, predictably steals the show in all three.

Bloodsport

An early Van Damme movie about a deadly martial arts tournament. An Enter the Dragon remake for the following decade. (Both films feature bodybuilder / Martial artist Bolo Yeung.) Fun, but an awful script. “The triads- they are like the Mafia...” As well as featuring the Muscles from Brussels in one of his earliest films, a young Forrest Whittaker also flexed his acting muscles. A few questions re the plot: Why would you get away with assaulting a police officer? And why, in the middle of a bare-knuckle, no-holds-barred martial arts fight, would you change your stance- on your opponent's suggestion?! Weirder still- this is a true story based on the exploits of martial artist Frank Dux. It'd be interesting to see how much is true.

Zombie Strippers

NOW we're talking. This no-budget schlock-comedy features a troop of marines sent into a strip joint to combat an outbreak of zombies. Exactly as cheesy as it sounds. There's a scene in which an eastern-European girl uses the phrase “boys with toys”, which is very reminiscent of a line from Tomorrow Never Dies, a line also delivered by an Eastern European female character. The movie is probably a metaphor for the average clientele of a strip club. Was hoping it would be funnier, mind.

Story of O

“Erotic” story. Female photographer “O”, an young ambitious bimbo struggling for money (despite having silicone implants) dreams of making a book of her photos. She needs funding. Pervy rich aristocratic bloke (with a typically posh English accent- quickly defined as the protagonist's nemesis) offers money if she has a steamy S&M session with him. Silly girl ends up being abused repeatedly.

Characters praise O’s mediocre photos, like they’re the best thing to happen to the print media industry since Chinese wood block printing. Terrible music, editing, script, acting- just a wreck of a movie. Fans of 50 shades (i.e. morons) may like it.

Ju-On- The Grudge 2

This is the Japanese original sequel to the American franchise. Yes, they were Japanese movies first, just like The Ring, Dark Water and Infernal Affairs (The Departed). Japanese horrors are usually brilliantly effective, But this one fell way below the benchmark. Plot too brisk. No build-up of suspense. Terrible acting. Too many “why”s. As in, “Why would that happen, realistically?” Incredibly confusing edits.

No Retreat: No Surrender

Karate Kid remake with less charisma. The Mr Mayage figure is the ghost of Bruce Lee, and is played by a bloke who doesn’t look anything like him. DVD sleeve, featuring a young Van Damme, is misleading- The Muscles from Brussels is the bad guy and gets minimal screen time. Worst Van Damme movie ever. Worse than Black Eagle, in which VD also plays the baddie. Laiden with cringey moments, including the stereotypical black teenage sidekick with awful rapping “skills”. The wreck of a script is botched further by the terrible editing.

No Retreat: No Surrender 2

It gets weirder still: This one starts not in a city in the US, but in Vietnam. Vietnamese characters get no subtitles until around ten minutes into the film, by which time you’ll have no fucking idea what’s going on. One particular scene wins the award for featuring the most unconvincing crocodile in cinematic history. Another wins the award for weirdest barbeque, featuring white buddhist monks in US army fatigues dancing around an emaciated pig corpse on some kind of square spit. One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.

No Retreat: No Surrender 3

“Gold Coast Florida… That’s in the USA alright.”

Oh God. Make it stop. Who PAYS for this shit? Who scripts it? Who gave the green light for this diabolical mess?! Poor print quality. Bad acting. And why do bad guys attack the hero one at a time just to get sequentially beaten up? Why not gang up and trounce the guy?

Source Code

NOW we’re talking. Comatose pilot can “jump” into situations from one reality to another using his mind, on behalf of the US military. His job: find a bomber on a train that will blow up on entry into a city. The bombing scenario can be repeatedly reenacted, through the source code, meaning he can be “killed” an infinite number of times- as many as it takes to save the people. Think Die Hard meets Groundhog Day. It’s also reminiscent of an episode of SF comedy series Red Dwarf, called “The End”, in which the characters are all killed in an explosion only to find themselves plugged into a virtual reality simulator.

Source Code is a complex, brilliant, inventive and engaging mind-fuck.

The Raven

Edgar Allen Poe is a talented but devisive author, whose violent stories are loved and reviled in equal measures. His popularity takes a nose-dive, however, when somebody starts committing murders in homage to his tales. Think Basic Instinct in the 1800s, from the perspective of the writer. It’s also reminiscient of Bret Easton Ellis’ novel Lunar Park. Despite a familiar premise it’s an exciting story. Thumbs up.

Zero Dark Thirty

Dramatisation of the hunt for Bin Laden, resulting in his assassination. It portrays the “official” story, appropriately brushing over Bin Laden’s CIA-trained past and with no mention of conspiracy theories, like “he’s been dead for years”, or “America is hiding him”. Despite this, it’s totally convincing, long but never tiresome, and always gripping even when you know what’s going to happen. What makes it interesting is the inclusion of events at the time that you might have heard about on the news. The characters meet at the Karachi Marriot. Does this sound familiar? If it does, you’ll find out why.

Immense. Watch this movie.

Dredd

A surprisingly violent but impressive reinvention of the 2000AD comic strip. Dredd is partnered with a young female rookie to show her the ropes. With Megacity One being a violent hell-hole she’d be screwed normally, but she has one defense mechanism- she’s psychic. Her predictions help the pair when they’re locked into a Bronx-esqe housing complex. A little unconvincing that Judge Dredd’s Lawgiver gun can carry so many bullets, and the soundtrack included terrible 80s guitar riffs. Also unconvincing was the- interestingly female- nemesis. What was her semi-English accent about? Regardless, great fun and a massive improvement on the cheese-fest Stallone ’95 version.

Well. I didn’t get anywhere near as many films watched as I wanted, but needs must. The weather has been brilliant and I didn’t want to miss the minute amount of sun we get in this country. The films I did watch were, on the whole, well worth watching.