Waaaaaaay back, in early 2004, I was at uni and working part time at The Living Room, an upmarket bar and restaurant chain. (It folded in 2019 and the Deansgate unit is now Be At One.) I was a bar back, washing glasses etc.
The serving staff shared a flat in a block of newish, expensive refurbished apartments just outside the centre. One night they invited me – out of all the bar backs – to a party after work. The full (and somewhat eyebrow-raising) story I wrote when I first started blogging in ‘06/’07.
It took me until recently to realise that a group of maybe 3 of serving staff – Dave in particular – were full-blown narcissists. And that I was their victim.
That night, the cocaine was passed around. I partook. My first time. This is a drug that is perfect for narcissists. Their bragging goes out of control. Their loudness gets louder. They laugh longer at jokes that get shitter. I just got very uncomfortable. They complained about management, about the customers, and eventually, about the bar backs.
‘I don’t want to say too much,’ Dave said, ‘Because Matt’s here.’
So, if I hadn’t been there… he’d have gone in on all the bar backs too.
Their whole conversation was about their specific serving role, something I couldn’t comment on.
I remember thinking, the whole night, why me? Why invite this one bar back, a new guy that you hardly know, out of all of them, to your flat just for him to listen to you rabbit on about how you mouthed off at your managers and they didn’t do anything?
I ended up resigning without notice from the Living Room after I was put down for a shift not part of my available hours. The rota had been written the week before, and I had noticed the error, but I was exhausted and sick of being spoken to like shit by the serving staff. I figured I’d deal with the hurdle when I crossed it.
Because I didn’t point out management’s mistake and hence didn’t turn up, they wanted to give me a disciplinary. The manager phoned me while I was in uni, practically in the middle of a lecture. So I never went in again.
I get it now.
Dave and his group wanted an audience. They wanted to act like they were on TV. To talk about themselves, and for people to watch them. And who else to fill that role but the shy new guy, grateful to be being apparently welcomed into their group?
Hicks and his group wanted an audience. That’s why he kept inviting me to things but kept making excuses any time I suggested doing anything.
HS wanted an audience. That’s why she had elongated irrelevant staff meetings and wouldn’t relinquish me to any other departments that would have benefited from my support.
More to the point, narcissists, like each of these, target vulnerable people, like shy people, or learning disabled people. People like me (even if they – like the Living Room staff – didn’t know about the condition). They’ll rope in people who are lonely, insecure, eager to be accepted. Clearly, people who won’t recognise and remember specific behaviours to retell to other people (like medical professionals, or people working in support roles).
So, how do we – disabled or not, shy or not - avoid being used for Narcissistic Supply?
I can’t conceive of thinking so much about myself that I’d consider that people would be grateful to even be in my presence, but then, that’s probably a good thing. To avoid being used by people who do have that mindset, we require an ability to say, ‘no thanks, that’s not my kind of thing,’ or, ‘sorry, too busy.’ But you have to be busy. Have plans, targets, things you want to be doing.
As for the narcissistic individuals, keep a track of their behaviour and exactly what they’ve said (I find the Omninotes app on the Play Store to be most effective) and then you can discuss this with other people, perhaps healthcare professionals like your GP, specialists, managers, family, other friends etc.
And you have to be comfortable with the inevitable criticisms these rejections will incur. Being happy on your own, and not needing validation from other people, will prevent you feeling the urge to take up every offer that comes your way. And if you’re worrying about being judged… they are no matter what you’re doing.
More importantly, it will also help you rise above the narcissist’s tactics to ensnare you.
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