Gordon Bennet, William Burroughs! It’s Joey Negro!

“Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.”

-Socrates

Hmm. Yes. I seem to be taking a kicking in 2011 for some ridiculous reason. Cash is tight. Work is unstable, as it is for us all in this economic climate. Every job application form I submit is confusing and usually bounces back at me due to computer gremlins, or something. I face stumbling blocks in every task I attempt. But at least I’m trying. Let’s man up, as Socrates would probably advise me, and look at what there is to be elated about.

Fellow blogger Gordon Bennet is singing my praises in his blog, Skeletor’s Armpit. Check out the “Pit Sniffers” section. Respect.

There’ll be a few new voices gracing the site over the next few weeks. I’ve had a minor influx of guest bloggers offering to write posts for me. Most have found me through Twitter, where tweeters like GreatManchester, CreativeLancs, MattHut, carolekeating and mcrmadeiteasy have mentioned my quest for contributors. I’m looking forward to seeing what writing comes our way. Also ManchesterMaps found my account of Leo’s Fish Bar’s revival. Awesome.

Over the last few weeks I have spent a lot of time reading fashion magazines as research for a training course I attended. The assessment of the course was in the form of a mock interview, which is a scenario you can never have enough practice on. The “job”: a general all-round assistant position at an online fashion magazine.

We based the “position” on one found in a real job advert- an unpaid position two days a week, so not ideal in the real world- but perfect for the interview. I performed well on the assessment, despite minor slip-ups. (I had examples of my work but didn’t hand them over. Idiot!)

So I'm now all fashioned out thanks to Wonderland and i-D.

More to the point, I can’t help thinking that you can follow fashion down to a tee, reading blogs like Fashionbeans, touring 10 shops before you buy one top, and looking as good as your wallet will let you. But unless you back up your image with guts, integrity and follow-through, all the fashion tips in the world won’t improve your life. Do I practice what I preach, though? I don’t know. Maybe if tomorrow is more prosperous, I might.

Take, for instance, Saturday night. Avici White nightclub. Manchester. The club has picked up well after its opening night two weeks ago and now has a reputation as a destination for house music lovers. Guest DJ and house music extraordinaire Joey Negro took to the decks for a lengthy and impressive set, mixing house and funk to great effect. He was even wearing the same kind of cap as me.

Pic is from the net- not the night.

Here’s a well-known song of his, featuring a man fighting off attempts by scientists to turn him asexual.

I’d do the same thing, under the circumstances. Wouldn’t you?

Oh, and didn’t William Burroughs mention experiments like this in his book Naked Lunch?

And didn’t Cartman have similar powers in the South Park movie?

I'd prosper more if I'd combat this ridiculous shyness. Anyway. Avici White. Great club. Great Atmosphere. Flat caps allowed. White pumps allowed. I’ll get back to you on Trilbys.

So yeah, there’s a bit of prospering going on amidst the ridiculous Pandora’s box of adversity that is my life. I’ve just got to remember what I called my blog and live by it.

I'm Not a Nazi But...

I'm really uncomfortable with women wearing veils.

Put simply. If somebody hides their face, I become suspicious. I feel threatened, and that perceived threat makes me angry.

More and more, I'm seeing women in Oldham with only their eyes on display. You'll notice it yourself, certainly if you live here.

I have no problem with traditional Muslim dress. If you want to wear a headscarf by all means, do. If you want to practice Islam, please do. But if you cover your face, you're acting as if you have something to hide.

If practising Islam meant women had to do this, why would so many Muslim women wear non-facially-obscuring head scarves? They wouldn't. So how can it be a necessary item of Muslim attire?

The veil is also a security risk. We need to make sure that the people who watch the 4.2 million cameras in our country's streets and shopping centres can do their job. That includes the ability to give a physical description of each person that walks through their doors. They can't do that if their customers are wearing veils.

The next time a veiled woman walks past you in the street, take a good look at her eyes. Every time I've checked, she's been looking at the ground. Does a woman do that if she's proud of how she dresses, or comfortable in her appearance? I think not.

In 2000, race riots tore this town apart. Most of us, me included, don't want that to happen again. There has always been racial tension in Oldham for as long as I've lived here (1983). If women in larger and larger numbers continue to wear veils, it doesn't take a political forecaster to predict what's going to happen. I just hope both sides of the community can see that, and deal with it responsibly. Prejudiced attitudes have been a barrier for cultural integration in Oldham for some time now, but increasingly, veils are too.

Please don't judge my whole blog on the content of this post. I normally cover celebrities, Manchester events and creative writing. But I also throw in political commentary, and whatever I'm thinking. Living and working in Oldham, I now see veiled women every day, whereas just a few years ago I never saw them at all. I don't agree with it, and I'm not going to keep quiet about it either.

Does anyone else think that letting people cover their faces in public isn't fair on the rest of us? Does anyone else think that right-minded, intelligent people shouldn't shy away from this subject out of fear of being branded “racist”?

Conflict!

Creative writing exercise.

Think of two characters. One of them wants something. For some reason, the other doesn’t want them to have it. Ten minutes. Go!

She pops up on Facebook Chat again.

“Hi Matt.”

I sigh. Here we go again. I’m halfway through a status and I’ve forgotten what I was saying.

“Hi Jackie.”

“Wuu2”

Quick, I think. Make an excuse.

“Just sending out some writing,” I send. I show her a link to a site that’s showing some work of mine.

“Good dat,” she sends. “Just going through a hard time atm”

“Yeah,” I send. “Remember u sayin”

“Husband in prison now,” she sends. “Thank God.”

“Right,” I say, “glad to hear it.”

In all honesty, I’ve not seen her in twelve years. Call me a bastard, but I couldn’t care less. People with consistent angry status updates bore me.

“Was just wonderin, would you go out with me?”

I hold my head in my hands. It’s only February and I’ve already had, what, two, three girls turn to a block of ice on me? I don’t need this shit as well.

Not to mention, I wouldn’t have gone there in school, let alone now.

“Sorry hun, not my type.”

I hammer this as fast as I can, bang the return key, shut down my entire browser and walk away from the computer. I need a drink of water.

Should I have been nicer there? I think. Probably not. Women love a bastard. I just hope she tells her mates…

Yes, yes. The above is based on actual happenings. It fit the brief well. And yes, Jackie might try to sue me for defamation of character in the near future.

Fallowfield Zine Fair

Zine (n): Fanzine, by shortening.

Dictionary.com

Above Trof bar in Manchester's student housing town Fallowfield, there's an outlet called The Art Corner.

http://theartcorner.wordpress.com/

On 12^th February a tiny hub of creative types converged to give us a zine fair, offering hand-made publications on a range of niche topics. As a bastion of the written word, I felt I should investigate.

Members of Manchester's literary youth offered design-based publications like Direction Magazine, which the creators had put together using the theme of “reality”. Their next issue will be woven around the concept of “atmosphere”. If you'd like to know more or are even ready to contribute, drop Ben and Ste a line on contact@outcreative.com. Ask them about their recent exhibition of work at Chorus Bar, around the corner from Trof.

Ask them for directions to Chorus well, as Google doesn't seem to know it.

http://www.trof.co.uk/

The lovely ladies at Threads and Letters zine tempted me in with free cupcakes. Their publication covers the sewing together of literature and textiles. They have a blog too. Learn how to make your own bat puppet here:

http://threadsandletters.blogspot.com/

Adding a graphic novel slant to the fair, Manchester blogger Fat Roland has reinvented Edward Lear's nonsense-poem, The Owl and the Pussycat in pictorial form.

Here's the original:

http://www.rhymes.org.uk/the_owl_and_the_pussycat.htm

For more info, here’s Roland’s blog:

http://fatroland.blogspot.com/

I applaud all of these trying to make this work, but I was dubious as to how successful zines could be in an era of the internet. There’s free fiction and journalism in abundance online, so I wasn’t sure that selling photocopied sheets under the guise of “zines” was going to take off, no matter how good the writing. With the rise of 4G mobile phones with masses of internet capabilities, could the zine scene thrive or will it be recycled?

Having asked that, a free copy of Shrieking Violet Issue 11 that I picked up shed some light. Covering events in Manchester, the zine is well-written and informative, although the tiny text in huge blocks was a bit of a struggle, even for a non-glasses-wearer. It also answered my above question- why make zines?

“It’s the sensation of holding the paper in your hand,” says contributor Sam Bail in the zine. “I like the idea of people finding the magazine in random places, cafés, record shops, and it makes it seem like a present.”

Well, in all fairness, I did read it cover-to-cover. Who does that with a blog-style online magazine with 200 posts? Not me.

I suppose the you could leave the printed zine in places that people with specific interests could find it- imagine fashion zines discreetly hidden in clothes shops (managers won’t be happy, but do it if you dare), zines hidden in printed magazines in WHSmiths, and cooking and recipe zines left in the trolleys in Tesco.

As opposed to dishing out your writing to other publications, making your own zine requires you to not only be a good storyteller / journalist, but to have a marketing brain as well. Where will you find the people who will listen to what you want to say?

The more of this blog post I write, the more I warm to the idea of making a zine. I was sceptical when I first walked into the Art Corner, but now the event, and idea of developing a fanzine, has made me a zine- fan.

How do you show weakness in a blog?

Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze.

Peter: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself- NOW he's violating Seabreeze.

Screwed the Pooch is a classic Family Guy episode. After the family dog, Brian, realises he can’t control his sexual urges, he throws himself at prize female race dog, Seabreeze. Overwhelmed with shame, Brians finds his situation worsening when Seabreeze is found to be pregnant, and the finger is pointed at Brian.

When the race dog eventually gives birth, the puppies look strangely like Seabreeze’s owner, Carter- who briefly enters to call Seabreeze “a filthy whore”. Well. Although still a horny dog, Brian is off the hook and free to go home with his moron master and best friend, Peter.

Peter rounds off the episode with this afterthought: “Hey, you know what's funny? I always thought that dogs, erm, laid eggs. And, I learned something today.”

Peter and I have made a similar mistake.

Open this blog in a separate tab. Dig deep through the annals of entries. The further back you trawl, the less this blog features literature-related information and the pestering of celebrities. The content gets darker, more explicit, and uncomfortable to read- especially if you know me personally. As you’re probably noticing if you're reading my older work, I was a bit of a clown in my younger days- and not on purpose.

Peter, although being an archetypal idiot, has a similar mind frame to me and to many other writers. People write to be understood. We want people to see our strengths and to feel entertained by our cleverly structured arguments and gripping stories. But we also want people to grasp that we are human- we make mistakes and feel disappointment, regret and stupidity just like everyone else.

I have always understood that dogs are mammals that give birth to live young. However, I have also admitted to people I understood the phrase “to be shafted”- to be tricked, conned- to mean “to be sodomised.” Worse still, I admitted this on a work experience placement in a radio station. They never offered me an actual job. But at least now I understand this surprisingly non-sexual phrase. Just like Peter now understands how a puppy enters this world. We both took the risk of exposing ourselves as the idiots we are.

I make mistakes a lot in the real world, and only a fraction of them get mentioned here. Blog views don’t flood in for angsty, self-depreciating entries. (They do flood in when you quote Family Guy, though. Damn, I’m good!)

You might have a blog in which you want to discuss your own mistakes- whether that be in a hobby that you have or in something that’s very personal to you. The correct way to do this is to start your blog with strong, optimistic writing. Blog about what you love. Write well, and with passion. Be personal. You’re not writing a magazine article. Your blog might be on a particular subject, but there’s nothing wrong with your posts being partially about you. Then people will like you. And then…

Throw in a description or two of a personal error. Make us laugh with these anecdotes, like Peter Griffin did, only let us laugh with you, not at you, and- like Family Guy- watch your ratings climb.

Leo's Fish Bar Redesigns

After a brief hiatus, this local eatery bounces back onto the Manchester scene. In the Oldham Street outlet, gone is the garish blue-and-yellow décor and in its place lies brown leather seating, brilliant-white surfaces and the type of stylish, monochrome photos popular in many modern bars and restaurants. Leo's is one of the few places to sell traditional fish and chips in the City Centre, and is now another Northern Quarter business to have smartened up, making the area shine that little bit more.

Web Radio Will Sink Analogue and DAB

                         GONZO
            Music!  Turn it up.  Put that tape
            on.                           

                         DUKE
            What tape?

                         GONZO
            Jefferson Airplane. "White Rabbit."
            I want a rising sound.

• Gonzo (Benico Del Toro) and Raoul Duke (Johnny Depp) have no concept of internet radio, with it being 1971 in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998).

I'm listening to SS Radio as I type. No, it's not a series of archive broadcasts from Nazi Germany. Far from it. This Net-based radio organisation plays lounge and chill, funk and disco, deep and soulful, tuff and twisted and hard and fast dance music, 24 hours a day. I can listen for hours, not hear the same song twice and chill out to good quality laid-back music. There are hardly any adverts and the presenters hardly ever speak. Yet when there is a presenter link, there are never any lame jokes, random stories or unfunny anecdotes- which are, for some reason, very popular with British radio presenters. SS Radio hasn't even dumbed down the breakfast show.

You'll be pleased to hear this is the case with a lot of web-based radio stations. Now that most people have broadband, they'll be able to dive on the net and find a station to suit their tastes. Here's a gem of a station that I've been waiting to enter my life since I was sixteen:

http://www.live365.com/index.live

Back-to-back movie themes. Awesome. On the site's home page, you'll see the album cover featuring the film. Minimise the browser window while you work, and guess what film the music is from! If you're a movie nerd like me. Maximise the window to check your answers. Get ten in a row, and you are a true movie buff. So say I.

To prove the breadth of musical styles on offer online, I'll pick a genre I have no interest in whatsoever:

“Folk Alley”. Continuous folk music broadcast from Kent, Ohio. If you like that kind of thing.

As mentioned, I'm listening to this on my desktop computer at home. You could easily pick a station like Ibiza Global Radio, for instance, if you wanted to throw a party and not have to worry about adverts, changing CDs, crap overplayed songs or annoying DJs.

Just leave the station running, while you make sure your guests' glasses are full.

You've probably got a computer in your house, if you're reading this. You've also probably got a radio in the room, too (unless you're so much a technophile that you take your laptop to the toilet, and that's where you're reading this now). A lot of us now have mobile phone contracts that allow for a certain amount of internet usage per month. Over time, mobile phone companies will increase this access for lower and lower prices, giving people more freedom to stay tuned to internet radio stations.

The sound quality of these stations is perfect. FM's clarity is occasionally dodgy, especially in the hills of my home town Oldham, and DAB (digital radio) has surprisingly shocking reception. That's never a problem with web radio. Rarely you'll get the odd buffering problem, but most of the time you can pick a station and leave it running. Some stations will limit the time that you can listen for free- but there's always another station.

The more accessible the internet becomes, the more people will turn to it for radio. One other advantage I've noticed: I started to scour youtube for decent music channels a few years ago. This requires buffering many videos and searching down playlists. Now web radio is at my fingertips, I hardly do this at all. Sure, people will stick to their FM stations- those that they have grown up with- and the internet will allow people another way of tuning in to shows that they are already familiar with. The infinitely wider choice online, however, will prove tough competition for the traditional FM stations. In Oldham, the current heavyweights are Radio 1, Key 103 and Capital (formerly Galaxy). I expect that- eventually- all that will change as the internet has found another way of altering the way we live.