Eating and Writing

A recent prompt at Writers Connect was the combination of these two activities. It was probably inspired by the fact that we juggle these two during the sessions' warm-up exercise- most of us scour the Wetherspoons menu when we first get in, and by the time we start the exercise the staff are already serving us. Here's what I devised:

Rick Tucker, food critic extraordinaire, sat with his notebook open at the table.

“You won't have had a meal quite like this,” said Brent.

Brent, in his thirties, had wiped his hands on his apron, staining it further on the day he opened his restaurant. “It's our South American special. The ingredients aren't easy to come by.”

“Well, said Rick. “I'll be sure to savour it.” He'd already broken a sweat but he couldn't taste any spices. “Is this a vegetarian dish?” he asked, wolfing a mouthful, his appetite ballooning instantly.

“It is,” Brent said. “Made from nothing but vegetation.”

Rick scribbled with his pad at the side of his dish, his shorthand getting more crippled with each word. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I need the gents,” Rick said. “If your toilets are up to scratch, you'll get a glowing review.” He began to feel strangely arrogant. “Glowing.”

The urinals were pristine: Rick realised they had no drainage, no hole. But he went anyway. It filled the urinal. After he'd finished, a metal sheet slotted down over the receptacle, sealing it off. The door slammed behind him.

“We now have a sample of your coked up urine.” Brent stepped forward. “About that review. Do I have your assurance it'll be as glowing as you say?!”