Last Night

Far from happening last night, I wrote this in 2014 after a rather weird excursion to Newcastle. The following is based on reality, but you can probably guess where the fiction takes over. I took this to Writers Connect to get feedback, then promptly lost the notes. They appeared again four years later in a giant pile of papers in my lounge. The feedback group encouraged me to 'divorce it from reality,' which I've done only slightly, although as I was drunk I don't honestly remember it with enough accuracy, so I may have made it more true to life.

INT. SMART CLUB- NIGHT

In a VIP booth, a group of men in late 20s / early 30s sit around a table with a built-in ice bucket, pouring out vodka, bourbon and brandy.

EXT. STRIP CLUB- NIGHT

The group congregate outside. One of them, Matt, a slim, short lad, is noticeable more drunk than the rest. One of the larger, bigger members of the group, Jason, speaks up.

JASON

Matt, we're not going to get in here unless you sober up.

MATT

I'm sorry, and you will do what?

Another member of the group, FERRO, steps between them.

FERRO

Woah, woah, woah. What the fuck?

JASON

Matt, you need to apologise for that now.

FERRO

Yeah, you do, you dickhead.

MATT

Alright, sorry, whatever.

Ferro pushes Matt away from Jason.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM- MORNING

Matt and Ferro wake up in twin beds. Matt looks decidedly hungover.

MATT

Ugh.

FERRO (chuckling to himself)

Matt that was the most pissed I've EVER seen you. Um, Matt, you might wanna apologise to Jason 'cause you were a DICK with him last night.

MATT

What... what did I do?

FERRO

Jason was telling you to sober up so you could get into that club, and your response was basically, “What are you gonna do.”

MATT

Oh, for fuck's sake. Really?

FERRO

I wouldn't, y'know, make a big song and dance out of it, but just be like, 'Sorry about last night,' and move on.

MATT

Oh, I dunno, y'know. A song and dance might be a perfect reconciliation.

INT. DINING ROOM

Big band music swells. Matt marches down the staircase with a cheesy grin, doing jazz hands and high kicks. Jason sits at a dining table, bemused.

MATT (singing)

I'm sorry about last night

FERRO & HICKS (backup singing)

Last night

MATT

I realise that I was a massive twat with you

I'm sorry about last night

FERRO & HICKS (backup singing)

Last night

MATT

I might have to work on my attitude

I realise in hindsight that I was a turd

I blame it all on the Woodford Reserve

And now I must make sure that you have heard

I'm sorry about last night

Enter busboys pushing mops in synchrony, wearing aprons and barbershop quartet straw hats.

BUSBOYS

He's sorry about last night

MATT

Yes I am

BUSBOYS

He knows that he can sometimes be a bit of a dick

He's sorry about last night

He's hoping he can get your forgiveness quite quick

He just didn't want to pay for a lap dance

And he thinks it's a shame you have taken that stance

Now he'll do anything to redress the balance

He's sorry about...

FERRO and HICKS (overlapping)

Sorry about, Sorry about...

Busboys grab ketchup and mayonnaise bottles from nearby tables and spray them symmetrically over the walls, then throw them aside, take off their hats and circle them across their sternums.

BUSBOYS

Last niiiiiiight!

Matt drops to one knee at Jason's side with hand extended. Busboys gather behind him in formation. Jason mouths a forkful of hash browns and shakes hands with Matt.

JASON

Alright mate.

He chews on. The room is silent.

MATT

Did I really say that, though?

CUT TO BLACK