Ten Years, Ten Predictions.

The world population is due to pass the seven-billion mark in the next few weeks, according to the BBC. As society and technology continue to develop and as humans we continue to run out of space, What can we expect from the world over the next, say, ten years? What will our lives be like?

I'm prepared to make a few guesses. One benefit to blogging is that once you've uploaded your entry, your thoughts and predictions are date-stamped, meaning that if these thoughts become prophecies you can prove exactly that you'd foreseen the events. Thankfully, in 21^st century Britain, we have (largely) stopped hunting witches. We celebrate forecasters, like 1984 author George Orwell and recession-predictor Peter Schiff, for their wisdom and do not burn them at the stake. So presumably, it's okay for me to throw my visions out there. I'm sure other people have described similar scenarios- I'm not claiming to be the second Nostradamus. But what if...

1) Retirement will soon be a thing of the past. Employers will carve away workloads for ageing employees as dementia sets in (which can begin as early as forty). The chance of finding you elderly co-worker slumped dead at his desk is an ever-increasing possibility.

2) The government will step up efforts to curb the burgeoning population, using the points system (used to control immigration in the UK) as a model. Those wanting to give birth must attain enough points (scored from parenting skills, sustainable income, good health, good character) to be given permission to raise children. Give birth with insufficient points, and social services intervenes.

3) Nightclubs will play music louder than ever before. Music will be faster, being heavily influenced by the 90s rave scene. Establishments will stay open 24 hours. Women will wear less, sometimes clubbing in only underwear. Revellers will occasionally commit sex acts in public- even on the dance floor. Some clubs will tolerate this. Hearing problems will become more prevalent older people who had been frequent clubbers through the 90's / 00's. In younger people, these problems will arise earlier in life.

4) In clubs and bars, people will rarely approach in person as a first move. Instead, they will use the world's most popular website- Facebook. You enter the club in person. You “check in” to the club on Facebook to show your Facebook friends where you are. This will also show anyone on the club's page that you're there. You see someone in the club- in person- that you like. You check the club's Facebook place page. You check the recent check-ins, which appear like a list of friends. You find your target and send them a message. Tell them what you're wearing and where you are. Those who have completely lost the ability to converse (a shockingly high number) will use the “poke” function to get attention. If the poke-ee likes the poke-er, they approach each other. It's long-winded and tedious, and is for people who hate rejection. Some years down the line, they will realise getting blown out is the same however you do it. Using Facebook just takes more time.

5) Revellers will stay out later at the weekend, sleeping through the day and reversing their sleep pattern for two days. This will impede on the UK's economy as the work rate slumps. Those who don't go out drinking (mostly Muslims) will keep the jobs and succeed in them. Racial tension will escalate. Shares in companies that stock blackout material will soar as demand increases from clubbers, eager to block out the morning's rays from their bedrooms. 

6) Meanwhile, over in Libya- a country that has seen forty years of tyrannical suppression- is experiencing a cultural overhaul. Gaddafi and his regime are dead. In 2011 it had the lowest divorce rate in the world. It will no longer hold this status as democracy creeps into the former dictator-led nation. Elections will take place in June 2012, according to the BBC. It will take a very long time for women to gain the kind of equality seen in Europe, but Libyan women's rights will steadily develop. In the next ten years, however, they will still not have the same voting freedom a Libyan men.  

7) Veils and burqas will become less popular in these eastern countries, yet more popular in the UK. Tension between white people and Muslims in Britain will decrease over time, but national attitudes towards full-face veils will force MPs to make a decision, resulting in a veil ban. This will happen within the next 24 months.  

8) The National Curriculum for secondary schools in the UK will see major changes. Personal and Social Education (PSE) will become a solid compulsory qualification with coursework and an exam. More time will be spent teaching sex education and sexual health. This will be to counter spiralling rates of STI transmission and unplanned teenage pregnancies, proven here. PSE will also feature information on masculinity, femininity and homosexuality. Gender roles will have become blurred more than ever before. Expect more male receptionists and more female doormen, more fathers cooking and more mothers using their mechanics qualifications to change the car tyres. Although some changes- like these- will be acceptable, there will be a growing concern for our youth's sexual identity- fuelled by broadsheet newspapers' speculative articles. Teens will need to be taught what will be fundamentally expected of them as a man or a woman in order for them to sustain relationships in the future. All pupils will be taught that gay people may or may not buck the trend, dependant on whether or not they are butch or femme. But pupils will also be taught to be aware and tolerant of how gay people might behave.

9) Due to the expenses scandal of 2009, Members of Parliament will continue to have their finances combed with increasing scrutiny. They will no longer be able to justify travelling to Westminster from their constituency and back on a weekly basis, and so the Houses of Parliament will turn to technology for a substitute. Expect banks of flat screen TVs replacing the leather benches, featuring webcam streaming from the offices of each MP. Digital TV will no longer cover debates in the HoP. A website will be set up allowing us observe debates in the commons. This interface will allow us to choose certain screens to enlarge, dependent on who's involved in the debate. This will see the end of the bizarre, droning form of cheering/bellowing we hear from the backbenchers.

10) Parliamentary debates will not be the only events to cross over from television broadcasting to internet streaming. Most TV channels will merge with the internet. Many channels will broadcast only a series of 30 second adverts for pre-recorded programmes, ending with a link to the full video that we can choose- with a click- to watch in full. Live programmes, like Parliament broadcasts, sports, news and concerts- will be the only shows to be broadcast traditionally.

Are my predictions realistic? Do you envisage things being different? Has any of this already happened unbeknown to me? Comment below...

Pizza Hut Delivery in Purgatory

A new Pizza Hut Delivery outlet has opened on Oldham's Huddersfield Road, just further out from Tesco, away from the town. I checked it out.

The wait for the food wasn't as long as Domino's Pizza (next door). The food wasn't overcooked like my Domino's was, but PHD was still overpriced. Out of Small, Medium and Large pizzas, the Small is exactly that- and thin. The BBQ Steak topping I chose was tasty though.

Verdict: Not massively different from Pizza Hut Express in the Manchester Arndale.

Well, duh.

My trip to Pizza Hut Delivery was not unlike The Griffin family's holiday in Purgatory as described in an old Family Guy episode:

Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.

Bringing it to the Table

Group writing exercise. Take three slips each. Write a different random word on each one. Fold them up. Throw them into a pile and mix them up.

Now pick out a slip. This first slip is the title to your vignette. Pick another. This is your first word. Pick again. This is your last word.

You have ten minutes to produce a story. Go!

My words:

Table

Fly

Bruise

Table

Fly enters through the open patio door. His pixellated vision throws up a homely scene. Lunch has finished. The table is being cleared. Mother takes the plates back to the kitchen. In the next room, Son loads the dishwasher begrudgingly. Fly enters. The kitchen is busy. The extractor fan hums, and Fly feels the distant suction through the room. Before the air channel gets too strong, Fly vacates back through the dining room, looking for crumbs. The table is tidy, void of morsels. But there's a smell of food still in the air; the table was the scene of a big meal moments ago. He follows the scent, past the fireplace that hasn't been used in months, over the recently hoovered carpet, to the shape lying at the edge of the room. It's a man. He's asleep. He snores long and slow. In his hand, there's something made of paper rolled up. The crumbs are at the edge of his mouth, an area wrought with danger and potential infection, but the smell is gooood. Fly can't resist a fly-by. He homes in on the lips, covered in Fly's lunch. Fly lands and eats. It's more than enough. Man's hand moves. The paper is large and heavy and slows Man's reaction. Fly flies away. Man launches the paper into his own head, hard. Fly supposes Man will have two things to expect- indigestion and a bruise.

Manchester Blog Awards 2011

“I might not stop reading for two hours,” says Manchester writer Socrates Adams, “so apologies if people start weeping.”

It's Wednesday, 19^th October. We're in the trendy and iconic Deaf Institute on Oxford Road for the 6^th annual Manchester Blog Awards and I'm sinking some disturbingly expensive Dalwhinnie and Balveninie single malts from the impressive back bar. On stage, Socrates is reading from his newly-published novel, Everything is Fine. What isn't so fine, he tells us, is that the publishers have printed the book's jacket in the wrong colour.

The segment read features a failing salesman whose boss orders him to carry his test-tube merchandise (named “Mildred”) on his person at all times. From the witty excerpt Socrates reads out, I expect it will do well upon its January release.

Tonight we'll also hear some equally impressive readings from more of Manchester's writing community- successive doses of short, sharp fiction and some vivid and emotionally-charged non-fiction pieces. Many people will laugh. Some will cry. At least one woman and at least one man will get massively drunk.

Tom Mason, curator of Manchester blog 330 Words, Is official event blogger and his fine write-up appears on the Manchester Literature Festival blog.

It is a truly entertaining night. The Manchester Blog Awards website features a full list of the night's winners, with links to their blogs. Check them out. They're well worth a read.

Search This Blog... If You Dare

“My little girl is generous with secrets. I wish she weren't, frankly. Don't secrets sustain her, keep her separate, make her self-aware? How can she know who she is if she gives away her secrets?"

-CIA officer Win Everett in Don DeLillo's novel, Libra

Blogger- Soon to be Google Blogs- has an extensive list of gadgets that you can add to your blog. I've just added the search function, allowing people to check if I've mentioned a specific word or phrase.

The search tool has a benefit for me, and for you if you blog. I've been blogging for four years on this site, and have covered a wide range of subjects. If I want to show a specific post to someone, and I can contact them online, I can send them a link to a specific entry. If I meet someone face to face and I want them to check a particular update, It's now a little easier. Before I added the search bar, it would be difficult to point it out to them if all I did was give them my card. 

Now, for instance, if I'm telling someone about the time I got Trevor Sinclair thrown out of Baa Bar or I'm explaining how celebrity retweets can help blog stats, I can give someone the card and they can search for themselves when they reach the site. It helps the reader, and, of course, if it's easier to use it means more page views for the blog.

From logging into Blogger, go Dashboard – Layout – Add a Gadget. Search for “search this blog”. Click Add.

I would now like to invite you to search this blog for something utterly random. You never know. I might have mentioned it. More recently my posts have been to aid other people, and this has resulted in BIG stats. But dig deep and you'll find I've made the same mistake as Win Everett's infant daughter. I have given away huge chunks of my past for public consumption, in an attempt to be understood. I now no longer know who I am. What I'm saying is, what you might find may get a little weird.

Comment under here if you've found any surprises...

Fables & Cognac

If you're reading this blog, there's a good enough chance that you'll have at least a passing interest in good stories. You might even be a writer. Well, good news for you, my friend. Manchester writer Kenan Bailey has launched Fables and Cognac, a brand-spanking new blog investigating the art of storytelling.

Informative, sharply designed and written with dollops of dry wit, Fables and Cognac is a great resource for writers and anyone who enjoys a good story. As well as advice for authors and fiction-related updates, you'll also find a few gripping short stories nestled in too.

The site is currently looking for contributors. If you're a fiction author or you write about writing, get involved. That's what I did! Check out my article- “Duotrope: The Yellow Pages of Publishing” over on F&C.

Cave-in on the Subway

Gord
Is there a problem?

Customer
Yeah, moron. I ordered a cheese sandwich and there's hardly any cheese in here.

Gord                   
That's no good, is it? Here, give me your sandwich. I will fix it for you. You can't have 

complaints there's not enough cheese in the cheese sandwiches. 

Gord begins piling stupidly large amounts of cheese onto the bread.

Gord
I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese sandwich, that's just two slices of bread. If 

word of that were to get out, well, I could lose my job. I could lose all of this! And we 

wouldn't want that, would we? Would we? Would we? Huh?!

Gord pushes the pile of cheese covering the bread at the customer.

Customer                  
What the fuck am I gonna do with that?

Gord
You could stick it in your bum-bum. You can put the cheese in your bum.

-Sandwich Technician Gord (Tom Green) defends his culinary skills in Freddy Got Fingered.

A month ago I blogged about Subway not being as healthy as you might imagine. 

I vowed not to eat Subway again. It was my intention to blog about my sub-free life a month later, and in the meantime to see how my new diet affected working out at the gym.

I just about managed. On the morning of Sunday 9^th September, after a stunning night in Avici White, I crumbled. My gang were starving. I was starving. The top end of Deansgate has only one late-opening takeaway. I'm not even going to name it. My night was to end with either a six-inch Meatball Marinara or a hunger/dance induced blackout, only to be scraped off the pavement by the fuzz and thrown in the cells, where I'd be violated by a drunk.

“Six inch meatball on herbs and cheese please.”

Fuck it.

On the bright side, since 9^th Sept I've got a little healthier. I've lost a couple of kilos. I've improved my ten-minute power-walk and 10-minute row. I can lift more weight on 2 different abdominal exercises. I've notched up the chest press, dumbell fly, hip abductor (working the outside thigh muscle), shoulder press and wide grip lat pulldown. I've beaten personal bests on 9 out of 30 different movements that I do at the gym.

To gauge the effects of healthy eating, a month isn't really a long enough time frame. I also needed more sessions at the gym just to run through all of the movements I'm recording. So for the record, Subway is not healthy and I proved it. Good health proves itself in the long run, though, provided you eat well, sleep well and exercise regularly. And with that in mind, I'm off to bed.