A Serbian Film

Do not watch this video.

Seriously. It's fucked up, as you can guess from the trailer.

Retired porn actor Milos (Srdjan Todorovic) has fallen on hard times. He's contacted by a former colleague and, with the promise of his family being set up for life, is coerced into to taking part in an “arts film” that turns out to be darker than he could ever imagine.

Hmm. How do I describe this film... Well, it's an endurance test for the viewer. The acting and cinematography are superb, but they're underpinned by a fairly routine story with extremely graphic themes of sex and violence. The shocks gradually become more and more perverse (I won't describe them here) as the film progresses. The final scene was also bleakly vulgar, but there are many “why”s that you'll be asking by that time (provided you get that far).

Todorovic is superb, perfectly cast as an awful parent and an easily corruptible anti-hero (in the most literal sense). The director of the arts project, Vukmir (Sergej Trifunovi) I felt was a clichéd psychopath character- over-the-top, too arty-farty, no charisma, the type who would never get away with any powerfully-evil acts before being spotted.

The director has hinted that there is a metaphor in the title and the story- perhaps something to do with the way the Serbian government treats its own people- although he's left it up to the audience to decide. I think most people will side with me when I suggest that if there was any meaning it was drowned out in a torrent of bloodshed and perversity.

This film made me feel physically ill and had to stop it halfway through, which has never happened before, and had to psych myself up before tackling the latter part (and it was a good job I did).

If you're curious about it and you think you have the stomach, you might find it worthwhile to watch, but if you strip away the gore it's really a simple tale of abuse and revenge. Think Hostel times a thousand.

The theme tune, though, by Serbian rapper and producer Sky Wikluh, is brilliant.

If you want to watch a really good controversial foreign film, stick with Irreversible.

The Last of the Chinese

My food, alas, was not served in this.

Although this might sound like an epic period drama starring Daniel Day Lewis and Jet Li, this is actually a quick post about getting back into pre-2010 moving-out-of-the-parents'-place shape.

I used to LOVE Chinese food from the dubiously-titled but deliciously-tasting “Man Ho” Chinese takeaway. I've had it as an occasional treat every couple of weeks for the last 5 or so years. Over the last few weeks, though, I've been eating better than usual by following plenty of healthy recipes and trying to eat more fruit and nuts instead of chocolate. And something is changing.

I'm developing a bit of a taste for healthy food, and I'm enjoying the process of cooking and the satisfaction of making something that's good for me. Not only that, the taste of takeaway food doesn't have the appeal it used to. Neither does the thought of eating it. Having just finished the last of a recent sweet-and-sour pork and egg fried rice, I'm actually looking forward to something more wholesome and unprocessed.

So I'll continue eating healthily, by avoiding any takeaway food- If I'm rolling out of a bar and I spot a fast-food pizza place, I'll duck it and stick with toast or something equally safe when I get in- and I'll continue working out throughout the week. In a month from now I'll see what PBs I've beaten at the gym and see how I feel.

Quick Cod and Prawn Gratin

Preparation is key to many things in life, as is cooking. I've learned to make sure you have the necessary utensils, not just the ingredients. So before I did anything, I put a tablespoon on my shopping list before adding the ingredients. A teaspoon, however, is a third the size of a tablespoon, or so I found after I'd finished cooking. So as long as I can remember that...

When I shopped, though, I couldn't find a tablespoon in the whole of Tesco. Poor performance.

To begin, I poured the flour into the hot milk without mixing it with water first. I had to start that again. Then I turned the grill on and forgot to light it, resulting in me remembering late and nearly losing my eyebrows.

The recipe includes peas for the ingredients of the gratin itself, which is a bit like a pie. But at the last minute the instructions suggest you also throw in peas as a side dish. Oh.

I then forgot to preheat the plates so the food cooled quite quickly once served.

The topping, a mixture of cheese and breadcrumbs, ended up a little thin due to the size of the dish.

I got the timing for all of this wrong- I invited my parents around to share it with me but when they arrived I was still 20 minutes off. It was a good job I did invite them around as this isn't a dish that's safe to reheat, and it fed the three of us. We all liked it, though, and the fish- Vietnamese river cobbler and smoked haddock- was very flavoursome, one more so than the other. The recipe suggested cod, but on my shopping list I recorded only their generalisation of “white fish fillet”.

Timing etc. aside, the meal was a tasty success.

Harissa Chicken with Bulgar Wheat Salad

Next up: this North African rice and chicken dish from the Hairy Dieters cookbook.

I made a mistake from the outset by only putting 1 lemon in the shopping list- I needed one to season, another to serve. I got by with a spare lime.

I could have sworn I bought a tablespoon after a recent recipe. If I did, I can't find it. A replacement is on my shopping list. Regardless, the recipe asked for a tbspn of harissa paste. Tesco sell this in a pot not much bigger than container of lip balm. There's no way a tablespoon would have fit- the teaspoon I used only just made it through.

It took nearly 2 hours to cook and prepare- whether this is due to my memory difficulties slowing down the process or whether this is just one of those lengthy recipes is something you'd have to tell me after having a go yourself.

Verdict: Chicken tasted great. Salad predictably dull.

Cajun Chicken

A simple and tasty Hairy Dieters recipe, this Mississippi-inspired dish was quick to cook and lasted a few days.

A few minor problems: measuring out spices with a teaspoon got a little messy, and a teaspoon of oil to coat a tray full of wedges seemed stingy. I could do with buying a larger measuring bowl, although saying that I could do with a larger kitchen altogether. But hey, I'm not Roman Obramovich.

Timing the cooking of different components of the meal is still a challenge after all these years, and I found the chicken a little slow to cook. The wedges could have lasted longer in the oven, but they were still more than edible. Forgot the limes the first time around and left them on my kitchen work surface- I reheated a breast and a few wedges for the next day's meal. A squeeze of half of a lime brought the dish to further life.

End result- delicious. Easy on the tongue and the brain.

Cranberry and Almond Muesli

The first recipe I've tackled this month is a breakfast from the Hairy Dieters cookbook.

I made the mistake of buying whole almonds instead of flaked, but I went back for the correct type. The mistake now provides me with something to munch on in work that isn't going to put weight onto me.

I mixed up all of the necessary ingredients but found that none of my tupperware boxes were big enough, so I used my blender to physically shake it up by hand (not by turning on the blades).

It tasted nice but a little bland. Blueberries and yoghurt livened it up somewhat. This will be my breakfast for the next few days.

Silly girl

A minor exchange between myself and an American girl regarding Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and the death sentence a Boston court handed down to him on Friday. I screenshotted these on different days, hence the profile picture change. The @handle, as you'll notice, is the same.