Celebrities I'd like to meet

If you're a regular reader (you poor soul) you're probably aware that a big chunk of this blog's output is celebrity related. As I'm in lockdown I'm thinking of some questionable ideas for blog posts, and a hit list of celebrity meet-and-greets is one of them. So, if anyone like Monopoly Events, Waterstones or WHSmith can fix these up for me, that'd be great. As much as the likes of Robert DeNiro and Arnold Schwarzenegger would be great fun, they'd also be horrendously expensive

Don DeLillo

American author of over 15 novels, who produced one of the finest works of literature, Underworld. Featuring a range of American characters, some fictional, some not, whose paths are all linked by a ball used in the most famous game of baseball ever to be played, the New York Giants v The Brooklyn Dodgers, 3^rd October 1951. Spanning several decades, the book takes in the cold war, nuclear proliferation, J Edgar Hoover becoming obsessed with a painting, and Lenny Bruce doing stand-up. It's a slow-burning, lengthy book, but the descriptions of sandwich-making are just as enthralling as the details of WOMADs.

His other books are fascinating for their own reasons, but DeLillo's tone and inventiveness are consistently evocative. I expect he'd do a fascinating talk. Without DeLillo, there'd be no Bret Easton Ellis.

Quentin Tarantino

Say what you like about his last few films (I haven't seen the Manson one, and that road movie was shite), Reservoir Dogs was groundbreaking. It was the first time we'd seen characters sit around and waffle, and put the (purposefully familiar) plot on hold while we got to know them. I saw it after recording the premiere on TV, and was stunned by the intermittent bursts of violence and snarky, sparky dialogue.

Some months later TOTAL FILM magazine (one of the first issues) came with the free Reservoir Dogs screenplay attached. I had a read, and it immediately brought back how arresting was the film's dialogue. I got a grasp of how the script was formatted, what the abbreviations meant, and how the dialogue leapt off the page and bit you on the nose with its imagery (imagine if Nice Guy Eddie DID call a snake charmer instead of a doctor! Megalols!). I thought, I could do this. So I started to write scripts on my lunch.

Time has mellowed my enthusiasm for Tarantino (I've seen Pulp Fiction so much I long ago learned all the words) and his recycling of ideas is a little more obvious these days. But that first script tied me into writing and I've been fixated on words ever since.

Thomas Harris

A lot of celebrities that I have already met are authors, doing book signings through either WHSmith or Waterstones. One author I've enjoyed reading is Thomas Harris, creator of Hannibal 'The Cannibal' Lecter. I hammered through two of the novels in Majorca in 2001, and have read a couple others since. Harris' knowledge of police procedure, psychosis, and good, strong characterisations are second-to-none. Harris came out of retirement last summer with Cari Mora, which seemingly bombed. It's unlikely that this writer, now pushing 80, is going to do an international book tour any time soon.

John Niven

The British author of Kill Your Friends has a background in music, the industry investigated and eviscerated by said novel. Cold-blooded office politics, blossoming into cold-blooded murder, is going to draw obvious comparisons to Bret Easton Ellis' work, but Niven works hard to separate novel from American Psycho with different plot arcs, twists, and dollops of British humour. I've not read any of his other work, but if he brings out something new a book chain's event might be well-received...

David Cronenberg

Canadian filmmaker David Cronenberg's biggest movies were US box office hits The Fly (1986) and Crash (1996), but his earlier work financed by his native country are equally stomach-churning and debate-sparking. I recently read Cronenberg on Cronenberg, a fascinating book compiled of interviews with the director on each of his major films. I keep meaning to revisit them, but- shock- none are on Netflix. The Fly was the first 18-rated film I ever saw, and is still one of the goriest. It's far more intelligent and entertaining, though, than any schlock-horror zombie movie that might equal it's bloody scenes. A film about the decay of the mind, not just the body, The Fly entertained critics and sci-fi and horror fans on its release. Likewise, his earlier movies like Rabid (woman has flesh-eating, carnivorous wound in her armpit) brilliantly balanced stomach-churning visuals with social commentary. He's someone who proved to me at an early age that you can be obscene and still make a valid point.

Paul Verhoeven

81-year old Dutch film director Paul Verhoeven is a divisive character. Some of his movies have been lauded as commercial and critical successes (RoboCop and Total Recall), and equally condemned for his failures (Showgirls). Critics dragged many of his other films like Basic Instinct, but even his trashed, (and trashy) movies such as this one went on to make till. His interview with Total Film (1998) when Starhip Troopers was due to come out was a fascinating expose on how his upbringing during World war II left him with a questionable sense of what was considered 'extreme' violence. Hence the brain-sucking aliens and the eyeball-popping Ronny Cox scene, not to mention Peter Weller's exploding hand... etc etc. His work has been a staple part of my teen days.

Ray and Anita from 2Unlimited

Make any criticism you like- No Limit was a banger. So was Workaholic before it. This Dutch duo stormed onto the worldwide dance scene in 1991 and reigned as techno king and queen until 1996. Their albums No Limits and Real Things were formative elements of my fledgling love of electronica. Plus, Anita was fit.

Treat Williams

US actor Treat Williams has appeared alongside some of Hollywood's biggest names, but always as a support actor. In Once Upon a Time in America- the greatest film ever made- he plays Jimmy O'Donnel, a union boss wrapped up in bootlegger wheeling and dealing. In Things to do in Denver When You're Dead- a favourite in my college days- he plays a nutcase ex-con mortician, taking out his aggression by tying bodies to his punch bag and letting loose on them before placing them neatly back into their final resting place.

Having worked with Robert DeNiro, James Woods, Steve Buscemi and Andy Garcia, and even having a cameo in Empire Strikes Back, he'd have some fascinating stories to tell. Would he ever switch Manchester Vermont for Manchester UK for a comic con? You could only ask...

Joe Pesci

A long shot, but the New Jersey gangster movie icon would make a great on-stage guest at a con. Years of screen presence- albeit playing largely the same role, a psychotic gangster- would unravel many tales from the set. Another Once Upon a Time in America character, his screen time in the 220-minute movie is minimal, but is presence in the story arc is vital. Goodfellas, Raging Bull, Casino, Lethal Weapon 3 and 4 and the divisive The Irishman would all make great talking points.

Andy Garcia

Another actor from Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (I wanted to be him so badly, and I of course failed terribly), Andy Garcia also drops into other movies like When a Man Loves a Woman as Meg Ryan's hubby, The Untouchables alongside Costner and Connery, the unfairly reviled Godfather Part III, and more recently the Ocean's movies with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Julia Roberts. He'd have great tales to tell.

Kurtwood Smith

Due to recent work as the dad in That 70s Show, Kurtwood Smith would probably be a long shot for a Comic Con. I put him in here as he's a great villain in both RoboCop (a favourite, if you haven't noticed) and in cheese-fest SF romp Fortress. He also made great turns as Nicole Kidman's on-screen dad in To Die For, and as office worker Myron Castleman 12:01, a short film which would go on to inspire the creators of Groundhog Day. In it Castleman is trapped in the same 60 minutes, driving him insane and forcing him to make drastic choices. 12:01 is far superior to its Bill Murray remake.

Seth McFarlane

Another long shot, but the Family Guy creator is known for doing conventions in the States and has graced the couch of The Graham Norton Show here in the UK. Here he is playing his creations, singing Cyndi Lauper on karaoke, as Lauper herself watches on. No pressure!

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

The South Park creators not only predated Family Guy with their show, but have sustained their entertainment value long after McFarlane's expired. More recent episodes have been poignant, relevant and gut-burstingly funny, always adjusting to move with the times. I was 15 when South Park first burst onto Channel 4 in all its profane glory and I was immediately hooked. You bastards!

Michael Beihn

This American actor is the archetypal action hero. As both Hicks in Aliens, and Kyle Reese in The Terminator, he exuded charisma, strength, compassion and gung-ho 80s cheese. He's recently starred in The Mandalorian, so right now he'd be in high demand. Another dude I tried to emulate.

Dido

Brit singer Dido shot to fame in 2000 when she featured on Eminem's no.1 hit single, Stan. Not long after she released Thank You, the track which Eminem had sampled, and No Angel, her first album, No Angel, which went platinum 10 times in the UK alone. Her music a perfect blend of electronica and folk, it could be appreciated by househeads like myself who wanted something downbeat, and soft-rock fans who appreciated the dulcet singing tones and guitar riffs.

Her track Honestly Okay pulls at the heartstrings more than any track released in the last decade. It got me through some tough times.

So...

A lot of these might be big asks, or too busy, or hideously expensive, or now so aged that they might not want to put themselves through it. But Burt Young (Uncle Paulie from Rocky) was 78 when I met him, and Jon Sopel is still reporting on the BBC from The White House. He did a book tour on a brief trip back to the UK, when I managed to get a ticket. So you never know.