Why Do Nightclubs NOT Do This?!

 Back in September I was stood on the edge of the courtyard of Ibiza Rocks Hotel watching Zane Lowe and Mark Ronson making valiant efforts to sing. I remember trying to get to the toilets and back without losing a grasp of where I’d left my friends, when a brainwave hit me.

Countless times in my adult life I’ve lost friends on crowded dance floors, and had no way of describing or being described to where I am / they are. The bigger the dance floor, obviously, the bigger the problem. Some clubs even have more than one room, complicating things further. When drunk, sometimes knowing what part of the club you’re in can be a massive challenge in itself.

But it needn’t be, and I realised that on the outskirts of IRH’s courtyard, thinking, my mates are around here SOMEWHERE.

I looked up at the sky as dusk fell. It hit me then: why don’t clubs have grid references on the ceiling? Letters on two facing sides, numbers on the adjacent walls, with letter / number combinations printed on the ceiling in big enough text for people on the floor to see. That way, if you lose your friends, you look to the ceiling- or the walls if writing on the ceiling has been impractical- and work out your club grid reference. All you’ve then got to do is remember it during the epic queue for the club toilets, and hope your friends don’t move…


Whether it's a decent idea or not, I realised, it wouldn't be of much use at an open air venue like the one I was in. I just had to keep wandering until I spotted a familiar face.

Ibiza: Day 8

21^st

Woke up after having virtually no sleep. Thankfully I wasn't the one driving to the airport.

Ibiza was fantastic, and even if you're not a big dance music fan you'd still love the island for its countryside, restaurants and beaches. I think renting a remote villa made transport a little difficult, although it was a damned good-looking place. There's probably countless things I'm forgetting to put in here, and there are certainly things that happened that aren’t my business to say, but Ibiza- I can safely say- is the only place I've been to and, afterwards, felt I MUST visit again. There's enough to do out there to keep you busy for at least two weeks, but whether your body- or your bank account- can handle being out there that long is another matter.

Oh, by the way, here's Deadmaus

Ibiza: Day 7

20^th

Watched the sun set through the large glass front of Ibiza Rocks Bar, San Antonio.

 

 

The bar's sister venture, Ibiza Rocks Hotel, has a reputation for offering the most crazy, non-stop-party accommodation on the island. The stories of sleep-deprived, drug-fueled madness caused by the residents are endless. The hotel itself, shaped like the outline of a rectangle, allows the rooms and their balconies look out over the venue's auditorium, meaning residents get free nightly shows without leaving their studios. The events are quite mainstream-music-orientated and not ideal for house music enthusiasts like myself, but the headlining acts are quite well-known.

We went on the Friday evening, for the closing party of We Are Rockstars, where Radio 1's Zane Lowe and singer Mark Ronson performed a mash-up of numerous random pop songs. Cheesy but entertaining, with the music selection including a few surprising oldies from the last 15 years or so.

 

An impressive venue until you see the queues at the bar and the horrific state of the toilets (with what looked like chopped chorizo splattered all over the bowls and floors).

Once the show had ended, the night was still young so we taxid over to the Ibiza Rocks Cafe again, then to Eden, for Judgement Fridays. Radio 1's Judge Jules span quite a heavy selection of house songs. He can't mix for shit! HOW did he end up on Radio 1?! Music was a bit too hard for my liking, but the décor, clientèle and view of the dancefloor from the club's balcony was brilliant.

Ibiza: Day 6

19^th

So blisteringly hot that the large chunks of ice I'd put in my drink had melted by the time I got from the kitchen to the lounger outside.

After sundown, we hit Cream at Amnesia, an absolutely massive warehouse-style venue with two giant inflatable superheroes pumped up on either side of the stage, between which was placed a spotlit DJ booth. The crowd- quite younger than at other clubs- lapped up the electro and dance mash-ups.

Here's DJ DOD...

...and Benny Banassi!

He bears a striking resemblance to Robert Downey Jr, don't you think?

Eddie Halliwell also performed a set although I didn't get a video for some reason.

Most memorably, when Laidback Luke took over, his promo team dished out about a thousand giant pointing foam fingers, first throwing them to the people at the front of the stage but soon frisbeeing each one as far as he could into the surging crowd, until the whole venue was a sea of yellow fingers, thrusting to the beat as the DJ twisted his fingers, his thumb and forefinger L-shaped, symmetrical.

Can't believe I didn't get a video of him either!

I apparently missed Paul Van Dyke because- unbeknown to me- there was another entire room with another stage, where PVD was playing. According to the group that room was the main stage, with a bigger, better layout. We must have split into two at some point, and found each other later on, something I have no recollection of at all- possibly due to not getting back to the villa 'til 7:30am.