Friday, 30 October 2009

Published? Most Embarrassing Moment is a website featuring the most cringe-worthy tales in existence, as told by you- the people. I uploaded my story, Most Embarrassing Moment, to BadHap. At first, my story seemed too long and the end was cut off on uploading, but the admins reconfigured the site and the whole of it is on view.

So, not exactly an acceptance like my other published work, but still a site probably more visited than my own.

By the way, this isn’t for the faint of heart. In fact, fuck it. You might as well not follow the link. No, seriously.

PS my thanks go to Tom Charnock for pointing this site out to me. Cheers, dude.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

All I Am

It was a hard day. This haiku came to mind.

I am just a man
With a disability
I’m not a genius

Wednesday, 28 October 2009



Hyenas scrounging,

Like ruthless, gathering flies

On rotting gazelle

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Publication: Dead Chinese Girls

I’ve had a few pieces of writing published in online magazines. It has come to my attention that most people who are serious about writing are not only getting their work published but are linking up their published-online stories to their own blog. So I figured that, one day at a time, that’s what I should do. So here’s my first published piece, Dead Chinese Girls, as featured in Flash Fire 500. Enjoy.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Down and Out in the Purple Pussycat

‘Look at ‘em, ordinary fuckin people, I hate ‘em.’
-Bud (Harry Dean Stanton), Repo Man

Another broken scene in what passes for my life occurred last night in an utter shithole called Purple Pussycat, a weird club near Granada TV on the outskirts of Manchester City Centre.

Before we even got in there it occurred to me I needed the dump of all dumps. Ironically, that’s one way of describing the club itself. Upon entry I made a beeline past the faux-eighties d├ęcor, through the mostly male crowd and past a fish tank full of piranhas, trying to retain my composure.

I found the cubicles behind the urinals that were shaped like open female mouths with giant red lips. The toilets were horrendous- paper everywhere, piss on the seat, puddles on the floor. I shut the door and found the lock had been ripped off. Let’s get this over with, I thought. I held the door shut with one outstretched hand, hovered, and got on with it. Unfortunately it’s not easy to push in both directions (if you get me) and, due to the ridiculous overcrowding of the toilet block, it wasn’t long before somebody barged in and I inadvertently head-butted the door. He apologised and wandered off. The sinks had no soap.

Agreeing between the three of us that the club was shit, we only stayed for the one drink. The women were nondescript.

I arrived home to find that Stephen Gately of Boyzone fame had died of a suspected drug overdose. Maybe he thought it was time for a New Beginning. Boom boom.

Regardless. I looked the club up online. The official site was badly designed and misspelled the word ‘piranha’.

I always judge a venue by its toilet. It’s going to be the first place to get messed up, so if they can keep that clean you can guarantee that the rest of the bar is going to be appropriately hygienic as well. Hence, The Purple Pussycat is on the Black List.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

I Am Not A Chef

More haiku.

Chicken simmering

Broken extractor fan whines

I forgot the rice

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

The Gale

This is my first attempt at Haiku. A traditional form of Japanese poetry, a Haiku is a three-line poem. The first line must have five syllables, the second seven, the third five. Originally Haiku were about nature. This one is too, but many contemporary Haikus are outside of that subject. This one is traditional in that it relates to nature.


The Gale

Hard wind bends the tree
Old man stoops, grips walking stick,
Standing, defiant.