The young lad who shouted 'bingo' hands his card over to the male assistant (who's dressed as a French maid), and he takes it up to the DJ booth in front of the giant church organ as naughties dance music blares out of Albert Hall's top quality speaker system.
Johnny Bongo, architect of all this chaos, checks the numbers. He picks up the mic. “You've got it wrong, you're a number out! Knobhead!” He makes the official fist-to-head 'knobhead' gesture. The crowd join in calling him a knobhead. It's all in good humour though, and before long, the next numbers are called out.
Suffice to say, this is not your regular game of bingo. This is Bongo's Bingo, the new feature Tuesday evening event on Peter Street.
A small entry fee gets you a book of bingo numbers and access to the aging renovated church hall. Most people are students, although one older couple look like avid bingo enthusiasts who've accidentally stumbled on a less-than-subtle reworking of their favourite pastime. One can only imagine their horror when two girls had to dance-off (in as slutty a manner as possible) to win after both having the same numbers.
The prizes for winning the games start off dubious: a rubber seagull head, an Elsa doll from the film Frozen, a garden gnome (which was held aloft Bongo's head as the opening of Karl Orff's Carmina Burana slams out of the speakers) a double-ended dildo (which Bongo used to knight the winner), a swingball set and, the final top prize, £500 in cash.
I WON A FUCKING GNOME AT BONGOS BINGO pic.twitter.com/HFR3cfl8md— Han Crawford (@bad__w0lf) May 24, 2016
To break up the games, Bongo gives you toilet stops. You'll have to be quick, though, as you'll miss the lights going out, more 00's dance and Bongo's two assistants (the other dressed as a grandmother) shower the crowd with popcorn, glowsticks and Coco Pops (the latter to the sound of OT Genasis' CoCo.)
Albert Hall's Facebook pictures are here.
It's the kind of game where you sort-of want to win, but you're sort-of glad you didn't. But it's the taking part that counts, and the taking part is hilarious. Next week, yeah? Tuesdays from 6pm...