The following is an email exchange and a prized story of weekend excess, told through the medium of email. Please enjoy.
MY EMAIL TO TOM
From: “Matthew Tuckey”
Date: Tue, 29 Aug 2006 11:11:57 +0100
Oh. My. God.
Mate, this weekend has been fucking absurdly awesome.
Saw Pride on sat, +went 2 commonwealth stadium with key spreading messages etc. Was pretty cool, but nothing like sun nyt.
Cowboy night in walkabout. Chicks LOVE cowboys! I shit you not, I pulled a couple of girls and 2 top it off, some girl pulled my pants to my ankles and sucked my cock on stage. What. the . fuck. Didn’t exactly get wood but wen you’ve got a crowd of people watching that’s not the easiest thing to do. I took it in my stride! had my hat, my neckerchief n 1 of my guns nicked off me. bitches!
Swapped numbers with some other girl, who hasn’t rang me yet so iv got the feeling she wont pick up. She probably saw me do something absurd and thought, fuck that, he’s a psycho…
After we’d cleaned up the staff all went to the “staff house” where the manager n the Aussies live. There we proceeded to ingest cocaine n swapped stories, then I went home n laughed myself to sleep at about 7am.
Last night the manager of walkabout donated some ecstasy to me, although Christ knows wen I’ll use it. Party on!
How was ur weekend?
TOM’S EMAIL REPLY
Fuckin hell mate – that’s a fuckin ace story!!! Gotta hand it to ya mate, I’m impressed!!! I didn’t really do much except go to the gym, go, swimming, go running blah blah boring blah. Went to a sort of party at my bro’s on saturday night and got hideously pissed. didn’t get back till 5 and all around me people were smokin weed, taking pills and snortin coke…alas, with my impending military engagement I was sadly excluded from said activities. Sunday night I just sat watching tv. Monday I just sat watchin TV. Good eh? That’s because everyone I know around here is a boring cunt. Anyway, we’ll have to go out again some time soon. Probably gonna be havin a house party in mid sept to mark my and duressa’s leaving of our house, and you are cordially invited, along with any guests you wana bring. I’l give exact details asap.
I thought it might be novel to show a story unfold through email. Also, I could not be arsed rewriting it- I have other tales to tell that require my time. Here’s what writers on Urbis.com thought:
“Not sure what you could do with this, but it gave me a few laughs although I feel obligated to include the disclaimer that I don’t find drug use funny.“- “Nani”.
“I hate it when everyone you know is a boring cunt! Haha.“- “aliciapie23”.
“DCAllen”s response was so classic I had to include the whole thing. Cheers dude.
“No, this doesn’t bite me on the nose. In fact, it just makes me a bit embarrassed for you. I wonder why you posted this at all: to document the lives of two boring people, I suppose. Because you were drunk when you pushed “Submit”? Because you really don’t care what people write, and you don’t plan to even open your reviews?
Don’t get me wrong: I love dirty. If there had been a spark of eloquence here, I might have reacted differently. As it’s written, it’s simply banal.
While this should have been marked Mature, I can see why you couldn’t bring yourself to call it that.”
“Banal” is a word that recurs frequently in the reviews I receive, for some reason. But hey, at least I’m honest. It is my honesty that drives me to write. If this makes you uncomfortable, then I guess I’ve succeeded, to a degree.