Monday, 13 October 2008

Getting Naked on Camera

The days leading up to Xmas 06 were mad, bad, obscene and freezing fucking cold. In the style of Irreversible and Memento, read in reverse of the insanity I was embroiled in through the medium of this email conversation to Tom.


Hey mate,

Sounds like its goin pretty well for you at key. Before you know it you’ll be a real life ‘jock.’ It’s goin pretty well here too. Got promoted to mess manager which means I’m in charge of the living quarters, and after 3 days in the job we won the ‘best mess’ award for the first time. Good eh?! Bin doin loads of cool shit over the last few weeks too though. Gotta go know – instructor has just walked in. I’ll send another (longer) email when I get time!


From: “Matthew Tuckey”
Subject: Word Bitch
Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006 17:52:06 +0000
Hey dude. Iv done so much mad shit recently…

Was at Virgin Megastore opening in Manc. Saw Richard Branson. May be
on d website by the time you read this…

Was at Stockport Light switchon. Gave away Key103 mugs which kids
were grabbing off me. Cracked the world’s funniest Joke: “look. I’m
being mugged.” Also gave away hot chocolate n pens, posters etc.
Stockport love us.

Gave away hangover cures for oz promotions (they borrowed us from
Key.) Nicked a few for myself which I intend to sell on d black
market. After this they invited us to apply. iv got a job with them
on wed- £10p.h! When I got back to key after hangover job, I was
talking to Nicksy explaining wot we were doing, n said I was testing it
by getting wasted in Oldham. He asked me to let him know how it
went. Theres a possibility I could be on air at sum point, he asked
me for my number… Think Ill text the show 2nyt n remind him.

The test night in question: got wasted in Oldham, wore lipstick by
being kissed really hard by a girl, smoked a cigarette (not
recommended), got semi naked in Vogue bar where I was breakdancing,
got my belt nicked off me by a fat bird, All my mates dispersed for
sum reason, wandered around lost, nicked food off someone who looked

Didn’t throw up and probably would have done without “lifeline”, but
still felt exhausted and a bit ill.

Was supporting Ditchy (drive home presenter) in Oldham a few weeks
ago, taking pics in liquid. Then proceeded to get a number off a
stunning blonde 17 yr-old hairdresser (who stopped texting me after a
week, the cretin).

Met Jason Herd from Herd n Fitz in the new apple store at
Piccadilly. I refrained from asking him to sign my body with a black
permanent marker tho.

Digitising Diamonds are forever as I type.

Oh, yes, and A girl I work with is doing a remake of The Full Monty,
so she filmed me playing the lunchbox. I had to get my cock out on
camera. Full frontal. I told her the whole point of that scene was
that the guy had a huge cock, so why pick me? but hey, it adds to my
legendary status. They’ll be blackmailing me with it in a couple of
years, but I won’t give a fuck.

Got my licence for flyering today, so no worries about being fined.

Iv just realised my head is killing me. Hate drink. Lifeline didn’t
work. need sleep… Tell us wot you’ve been up to mate.

Explanations for the above:

Tom is a Naval Airman I went to Uni with. I’m likely to follow him into the Navy due to the barren employment landscape that Manchester offers. 7 months after this email was sent and I’m still no “jock”.

The pics from the Virgin Megastore never ended up online for some obscure reason. I was pretty disappointed about that. Oh well.

I did end up on air talking to Nicksy. I’ve got it on tape, it’s pretty cool.

I eventually did end up vomiting violently from excess drinking. It was prolonged through the carbon in the product lining the stomach.

I now own my own copy of Sarah Lee’s Full Monty remake. I’m quite proud of my little walk-on part.


You are probably reading the above thinking, What the fuck is this shit? Brain-damaged six-year-olds write better than this. Well, yeah. You may be right, and you’re not alone. I had this reviewed on, the online writing community. Here is a snapshot of the general consensus.

“Yeah, I think you pretty much just dressed up a couple of emails with a prologue and epilogue. Saves you the trouble of punctuation and grammar since it’s “just email”, eh?”

No comments: