Tuesday, 5 August 2025

Before 43 Review

 

It’s that time of year again. I turned 43 recently. A year ago, I set out some goals for the year. How did I do? 

1) Get 1000 members in Manchester Nightlife 

Well, that didn’t happen. Running Meetup groups is a real test of will: some people who join will become good friends, some will generally be good people but you won’t know them that well, some you’ll meet once and never see again, some will attend regularly but cause enough problems for you to block them from the group, and some will – instead of having a conversation with you - go onto Reddit and drag your name through the mud. It’s a rollercoaster. Still, the group has a 4.6 out of 5 star rating on Meetup. Can’t be that bad. I had 200 a year ago, I’ve now got over 580. We’ve had some great nights out, and I have a plethora of other ideas that I want to do. 

2) See more of Scandinavia 

I travelled to Copenhagen in April last year. Great holiday. I’ve been meaning to try another Scandi capital but I’m only just putting these plans in place now. Looks like Stockholm could be on the cards soon. 

3) A third Viking project 

I’m in the middle of this now, watching tons of Viking dramas on Netflix and working out loads. Steadily getting back to old PBs, and setting some new ones. I’m cooking a lot of Viking recipes, with varying results. This will end when I’ve exhausted Netflix’s Viking content. Still to watch: 2 more seasons of Vikings Valhalla, 1 season of Vinland Saga, and the Last Kingdom movie, Seven Kings Must Die. Throughout this, I’m doing a ton of chin-ups. I must mix more gym sessions in too. The beard is coming on, though. 

4) See other parts of the world 

This hasn’t really happened. I’ve been to Tenerife for a second time, and am likely to go back next year. 

5) Teeline for a month again 

Didn’t get around to focussing on shorthand this year. I need to, though, as I look back over my notes sometimes and they’re utter gibberish. I have improved, though, every time I’ve tried to learn it. 

6) Learn Nunchucks 

This I focussed on for a month in March, developing some competence. Good fun

7) Excess Month Again 

I didn’t manage to pencil off a month for living my life to excess. I planned to involve a load of food, drugs and alcohol, and regular blogging, but I just didn’t get around to it. Too much dieting. So an attempt to channel my inner Hunter S Thompson will have to wait. I had tried this in 2017

8) Veganuary 

I did go vegan successfully for the month of January. Interesting experience of shopping, cooking and working out. I’m planning to do it again next year, but even stricter, limiting bread and porridge, and focussing on the veg. The aim: hit fitness and weight goals. 

9) Touch type for a month again 

This didn’t happen. Will try again this coming 12 months. I’ve been trying this on and off since 2014. Sure would help in work and with blogging. 

10) Get back into the 30” suit trousers again 

I did manage this at the end of June. I was hoping to have done it in time for a holiday in late May, but better late than never. Predictably, I piled a lot of it back on. With this Viking thing, I’m steadily taking it off again. 78.1 is a long way off 72.2kg, but here we are. 

So. 3 out of 10. Oh well. It was fun.

Monday, 4 August 2025

Running out of ideas for Manchester Nightlife.

Most of what I wanted to do I’ve done. Bar crawls like Deansgate and Spinningfields. Peter St. Big food halls like Mackie Mayor and Diecast. I really want more house music nights but these are increasingly hard to come by. I managed a night in Off the Square and another in Exhibition, which were both great nights, but it’s finding them running that’s the difficulty. A lot are one-offs. Or they’re monthly things that die off after a few months. 

I do want to focus on 2 things: food and house music. Some attendees were keen for another Diecast meetup. Suits me. I really want to get to Eastern Bloc (running all year) or Warehouse Project (September to Christmas) for good house DJs. I just haven’t thought it through, and as a result I haven’t uploaded anything for this coming Saturday. 

There are, however, 2 events before then. Thursday night: Vegan alcohol-free bar Hinterland runs their monthly philosophy evening, offering 'a stimulating exploration of Wisdom and Imagination in Community.' I’m making a concerted effort to trying other people’s events, not just running my own, and this one intrigues me. I know nothing about philosophy, but the chances are people there will be able to hold a conversation and will grasp the concept of turning up on time and following instructions. 

Let's find out with Manchester Psychology Social Group

Friday night: a WeRoad – large, generic but generally friendly meetup – happens in Box on Deansgate, so I may make an appearance. You might. 

You might also take a look at the new Dave’s Hot Chicken, a food outlet opened this week in The Printworks. It’s only a stonethrow away from Box. Kinda.

So yeah, if you have any ideas for meetups that suit Manchester Nightlife, hit me up.

Sunday, 3 August 2025

43

Had a birthday. Ate food with family. 

 

 

Ran a meetup to Diecast. Ate more food, a giant pizza this time. Got drunk. Had more attendees than I think I’ve ever had at an event. There were 25 on the list at one point. Most of them arrived. Came home early via bus. Great music, great people. No fallouts or anything. May run more to bigger venues like this - they seem to be popular.

Saturday night in Diecast Manchester. Cuatro, Bodeguita, pina colada, bbq chicken pizza.

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) August 3, 2025 at 7:25 PM

Dancers in Diecast last night

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) August 3, 2025 at 7:26 PM

Went to a family barbecue. 

Continued chugging through this Viking project. Encroaching on some old workout PBs. Now out of cereal and porridge. 

Surpassed 1.4 million hits on the blog. Got more hits in July – 70 thousand – than I’ve had in any other month.

Saturday, 2 August 2025

Attention Training to Combat Anxiety

In 2025 we are awash with distractions, mostly from our smartphones. We fill our SD cards with apps for different websites, which then ping off to notify us of things that are largely irrelevant to our everyday lives. Sometimes it’s a reply to something we’ve said online, but a lot of the time it’s something a friend has done that isn’t relevant to us, an annoying feature that has emerged on various platforms in the last few years. 

Add to that the addictive nature of doomscrolling – largely on Instagram – and before you know it you’ve spent 5 hours on your phone doing very little (which can be confirmed by another available app that monitors your screen time). Away from phones, there are other screens- TVs, computers – at home and at work – there are distractions in the office, in the lounge, in bars. Your focus is constantly being syphoned off by a multitude of sources. 

Have we forgotten how to pay attention? 

It seems that I possibly have. I’ve received some treatment for anxiety in recent weeks. A long-standing problem, my habit of letting my brain shoot off in different directions has been spiking my anxiety for decades. The NHS have helped me with this a little bit. Dr C has encouraged me to try to develop tunnel vision, to focus on the individual I’m speaking to, or to the task at hand. He’s suggesting I try not to absorb everything that’s happening, meaning my mind shoots off on tangents, but to focus deeply on one thing, what’s most important, and forget the rest. 

I doubt I’m the only person who thinks that’s easier said than done, and it seems I’m right – Dr C showed me some YouTube videos called Attention Training, an audiovisual tool designed to develop a deeper focus on the one thing that you’re trying to do. Whether you’re trying to quell anxiety in conversations (like I am) or focus deeper on a piece of work (which I also am) or some other task that involves ignoring distractions, the Attention Training will, in theory, help to tune out the noise and allow you to think clearly and control your emotions. 

For more practice focusing, see also Attention Gym. These videos have millions of hits, and the comments show that other therapists worldwide, not just mine, are recommending these videos. Some are purely audio, some are purely visual, some a mix of both. The videos all follow a similar formula: many different things happen at once, with audio instructions requiring you to focus on one of these things. A small shape appears on a black screen and moves across it. You’re asked to follow it with your eyes. Soon, other shapes in different colours join the frame, and move in different ways designed to distract you – they spin, they turn, they rebound of the corners of the screen like a 90s screensaver. But we’re still asked to focus on the original shape, to ignore the distractions and stay focussed on the task at hand. 

The audio-emphasis exercises are loaded with similar distraction. The video – a black screen with text - will start with a ticking clock. A car’s engine will intrude on the sound, then a steam train, then you’ll be transported aurally to a greasy spoon cafeteria. These sounds will overlap, but your task is to read the text instructions and focus on whichever sound is described on screen. You need to identify the matching sound and cut out the cacophony from your mind. 

It’s no easy task. With time, though, I should be able to focus more deeply and not have my mind wonder off into some irrelevant thought or stressing over whether I’m doing it right. 

So, how is this relevant to real life? Concentration span has always been an issue for me, right from infant class. I’m now 43, and I’m still drifting off at times. For example, I’m embarrassed how long this blog post has taken to write, to be honest. Dr C has advised that not only will a deeper, narrower focus help me to understand things, it means the anxiety – over whether I’m good enough for the people I’m talking to, whether I’m ‘fitting in,’ whether memory difficulties are marking me out as different in some way – will be quietened as my attention will be on the other person in the conversation, not myself. These things might sound like ridiculous things to stress over, but when you strip everything away, this is my underlying problem. 

Other people have their own reasons for needing to practice focusing, but a lot of these videos have millions of hits, so it's far from an unusual problem. 

It would be a good idea to blog again on this issue in a month’s time, to see whether there’s any real-world changes to my attention and mental state. 

In the meantime, have a go yourself. 

Monday, 28 July 2025

43 this week.

Expect 2 blog posts about goals achieved, or not, or to be achieved.  

Viking project going well. Good food, workouts, and Netflix shows. 

Went to Diecast last Saturday, a food and drink hall with a nightclub vibe, in an old factory on the outskirts of Manchester. Think rusted metal, brickwork and vine leaves. House music in one room, live cover band in the other. Lots of small independent eateries scattered about. I figured it would be well worth running a meetup there, so if you want to join the 3 of us as it stands, get involved this coming Saturday. Manchester Nightlife will be there from 7pm. Come eat, drink, dance, talk. 

New Meetup Manchester Activity Group opened up this week, offering a range of fun stuff. Ice skating was already ran. Worth keeping an eye on. I’m certainly keen to try more things than just endless bars. 

Recharge and Reset also opens, ‘designed to help you slow down, recharge your mind and body, and discover simple tools to boost your everyday wellness.’ 

As some meetups open, others close. Manchester Clubbing has vanished. If that was your thing… there’s still Manchester Nightlife. 

Power is a State of Mind passed 1.4 million views last week. Whether you love me or hate me, thanks for reading.

Sunday, 27 July 2025

Death Café

The gong sounds on stage to draw our attention. It’s not the start of an old Arthur J Rank film, but the opening moments of tonight’s Death Café in Northern Quarter’s Hinterland

The vegan alcohol-free restaurant on Turner St has an eclectic event roster but tonight – Wednesday 23rd July –their monthly Death Cafe offers an opportunity to have a frank, open and realistic conversation about death. The organiser tells the aim is to increase awareness of the nature of death and to strip back its taboo nature. We’re not trying to get to a conclusion, the organiser tells us. Nor is it for profit. 

Jon Underwood set up the first Death Café in London in 2011, based on similar concepts in France and Switzerland. He’d previously worked with ex-offenders and had studied Buddhism. From thereon, the concept has spread. 

The small round tables in Hinterland are perfect for groups of 4 or so to gather and discuss the subject, recounting tales of lost loved ones, hospitals, the grieving process and differences in this across different cultures (the group is popular with people from all over the world). I’m also informed I look like BBC’s Steve Backshall, which is a first. Not sure how I feel about that. He’s about 10 years older than me, but he’s shredded, so... 

A really interesting, welcoming and positive discussion, frequently more about life and its brevity than death itself. I understand Death Café to be a monthly event, so keep your eye on Hinterland for their events roster.

Saturday, 26 July 2025

Spelt with Chorizo

From Rukmini Iyer’s The Roasting Tin: Spelt with Chorizo, Sweet Potato, Red Onion and Spinach. 

My attempt was a little light on the spinach side as the bag came as 240g, not 300. I had 200g chorizo left, not 220. I dug out a packet of barley from a previous recipe as couldn’t find spelt in the supermarket. I put the spinach in too early. Prep took me 40 mins, not 15. I made an extra 200 ml of stock, but when that went into the roasting tin it still didn’t rest above the level of the mixture. It still came out a little dry. I gave it more water and another 10 mins. 

Tasted great though. Chorizo was the standout ingredient.

Monday, 21 July 2025

Death Cafe This Week

Wednesday night in Hinterland Northern Quarter Manchester. Death Cafe.

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 21, 2025 at 7:32 AM

What is a Death Cafe? Ticket site Eventbrite says ‘Join us for a unique evening of open and honest conversations about death and dying.’ 

Very left field, but I’m looking for different things to do. Vegan alcohol free bar Hinterland has a varied events calendar, and their Death Cafe is a monthly inclusion to that. It’s running this Wednesday, but tickets are already sold out. I had put up a Meetup for this, on Manchester Psychology Social Group but there’s no point RSVPing if you can’t get a ticket. I managed to get mine. All of Hinterland’s events sell out fast.  

Comic Con Manchester runs this weekend too. I’m not there as the line-up didn’t have anything for me, but there are still some 12:30pm and weekend tickets available. 

Saturday night: Manchester Nightlife meetup is back out again, this time to new upmarket bar Kitten on Deansgate Square. First time there for me. Expect cocktails, tall ceilings and smart décor.

Sunday, 20 July 2025

Valhalla Streaming

Working through this ridiculous Viking project

Trying some new recipes from the Eat Like a Viking! Cookbook. I’m now out of bread. The plan is to not buy more until I’ve finished watching all of this Netflix Viking-themed content. I’ve hammered through Season 1 of Vinland Saga, about Viking adventurers. Japanese animation following a young lad trying to avenge the murder of his father while different factions are vying for power around him. Very confusing, backtracks a lot, but interesting. Tried Norsemen. Cringe, unfunny ‘comedy.’ Now in season 1 of Vikings Valhalla about Leif Erikson. Much better. 

Watched Usyk v Dubois 2 in Brotherhood near the Town Hall. Nice bar. Friendly. Predictable result. I guessed a 10th round knockout with Usyk keeping his belts. It was the 5th. Ran a meetup with Manchester Nightlife. Got a handful of new and familiar faces. Good night.  

Michael Madsen – actor from Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill and The Getaway – died on the 3rd. I loved his movies. I almost met him in Blackpool in 2015. Just wasn’t organised. I rewatched Reservoir Dogs in his honour. Such a movie.

Saturday, 19 July 2025

The Concise Mastery

Read this recently. Solid read. #robertgreene #mastery

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 19, 2025 at 3:46 PM


Back in December we had a staff Secret Santa, and I got the concise version of Mastery, a guide to mastering your career. Author Robert Greene - he of 48 Laws of Power, 33 Strategies of War and Art of Seduction fame - lays out the steps to achieving directorial powers. 

The full book will obviously go into more detail, and offer more examples to back up its hypotheses, but The Concise Mastery has enough content to put across a point. I expect it’s a little difficult to write an advice book about careers that will apply to most people: different lines of work will have different structures, different experiences to offer, different challenges. So a guide to ‘learning the secrets of the field you have chosen’ will need to be a little bit generic. The sections reflect this – ‘Discover your Calling,’ ‘The Ideal Apprenticeship,’ ‘Absorbing the Master’s Power’ etc. It’s all valid advice, but requires you to fill in the gaps given your own circumstances. You might be a plumber; you might be a PR officer. The same rules apply. But the advice is interspersed with trademark historical stories to back up Greene’s points. 

A recommended, serious read.

Friday, 18 July 2025

Hinterland Poets

Thursday 10th July – I’m in Hinterland, the vegan alcohol-free bar in The Northern Quarter listening to a poem about kangaroos and masculinity. They're not two images that would normally be mashed together, but that is the beauty of creative writing – it’s allowed. If you can think it, it can go on the page. 

Tonight we’re in attendance for Hinterland Poets, an open-mic night of poetry. Dave Stone and Dave Viney present the night, and on entry I add my name to the ‘poetry fish’ – a cardboard cut-out fish – and take a seat. After an intro (Viney tells us of his work in prisons, teaching poetry), the open mic slots begin. 

I’m fourth out of around 20 poets, and I finally get around to reading this poem Junkie, that I wrote in 2019. I liked other people’s poems, and they seemed to like mine. I’ve done tons of writing over the years but I can rarely think of anything that would work in poem form – a lot of what I write is event write-ups and psychology musings, normally with a lot of multimedia add in to tell more of the story, so putting things into rhyme wouldn’t really work. 

But I’m going to try. I’m making a conscious effort to do other things with my social time than hang around in overpriced cocktail bars. So poetry might work. 

The next Hinterland Poets is on 14th August.

Wednesday, 16 July 2025

Journaling - What is Freedom?

After running a few meetups in Hinterland last year, I found that the vegan cafe could no longer accommodate us due to their own events. Their roster started to stack up with philosophy and poetry nights, all things that, in fairness, I’d be tempted to try out. I’ve been trying to find things to do that aren’t just going to bars and sampling cocktails, so an alcohol-free bar like Hinterland made a good start. 

On Wednesday 2nd July they hosted a journaling class organised by Fi, who had chosen the theme for the evening:  

What is freedom, really? 

Fi encouraged us to free-write, in prose or poetry, what we thought of the word ‘freedom,’ and encouraged us to speak from our own perspective. We were given a few minutes to put together a piece on the subject. 

Here’s mine: 

The hardest thing about freedom is that you don’t realise how valuable it is until it’s taken away from you. Lack of money or time, or other obligations like family commitments can take over your life. But when they don’t, your freedom can allow you opportunities to try new experiences. Freedom, however, has its dark side. Too much freedom and not enough commitment, can bring out other frustrations.

2/7/25 Journaling event in Hinterland Manchester. #creativewednesday

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 16, 2025 at 10:00 AM

Fi asked us for our thoughts on ‘Freedom,’ or lack thereof, and she added them to the board. 

 • Self judgement / expectations 

 • Holding contradictions 

 • Staying open 

• Allowing things to be messy / unresolved 

Another prompt with a 10-minute free-writing exercise came next, on the title: A part of me that longs for freedom is… 

I splurged this out onto the page: 

A part of me that already is free, but I’m afraid to take that step. I could more, solo. I’ve never gone abroad alone. 

 I have memory difficulties. The restriction here is that new places are hard for me to get around. I rely on my phone a lot. New places require organisation. I’d be screwed without Google Maps. That said, I have managed it in other British cities live Liverpool and Newcastle. It could be done. Is a foreign country really going to be that different? It’s a big step, but I’m tempted to test that freedom and plan out a slow adventure. I’d be free from other people’s restrictions, other plans and priorities. If I want to try that club, that museum, I can. 

Do I dare, though? 

So, yes. Automatic writing rarely results in anything other than drivel, but hey, it’s honest drivel. Isn’t that why you read my stuff? 

And Goddamn I need to practice Teeline. Trying to decipher my own shorthand after a few days was like trying to read the Zodiac’s letters, only I’d written it myself. 

I think someone read out a poem at this point, then we dove into a new prompt:  

The Place that I Find Freedom 

The pen upon the page, bringing factual or fiction 

whatever you can think of, without any restriction 

not getting any younger, traverse across the land, 

take the opportunity, embrace with both hands 

order from the chaos, all you need’s a pen 

That’s as far as I got before the timer went. 

Enjoyable group. Good mix of people. Not too pretentious, great venue (I’ve never been to a bad event in Hinterland) and well ran.

Monday, 14 July 2025

Apollo, Vinland, Poetry, Bingo

 

Steadily chugging through this Viking project. I’ve bought Netflix and am watching a lot of Vinland Saga – Japanese animated series about Leif Erikkson’s adventures - and trying to regain my chin-up strength. Eating twice a day is going well. Just got to remember to drink plenty of water. Taking some annual leave to do this. 

I actually have some creative writing to go up on Wednesday, plus a write-up of a poetry slam in Manchester, a piece on attention training and book review also. 

I might be at Bongo’s Bingo with a different group at the weekend, so there isn’t anything planned in terms of meetups. But if that falls though – I certainly haven’t paid – Oleksandr Usyk is putting his heavyweight belts on the line Saturday night. I can’t see Brit Daniel Dubois offering much of a challenge, though. I also have no idea who’s showing it. 

Also, adult star The Apollo Show answered Popbitch’s baboon vs badger question. He even put it on his own Insta!

Sunday, 13 July 2025

Hacienda Classical Afterparty

Saturday 5th saw Castlefield Bowl taken over by singers and DJs from Manchester’s 90s Madchester era. Hacienda Classical 2025 featured outdoor sets from Graeme Park, M People’s Heather Small and K Klass

I didn’t go to that, but I did run a meetup to the Hacienda After Party in Albert Hall, an old converted church in the city centre. I ran a meetup with Manchester Nightlife and got one attendee, a new girl. She’d forwarded me on to a Raving community on WhatsApp, something she’d already joined, and it seemed they were planning to come to the same event. I tried to get the 2 groups to meet, but it didn’t happen on the night. 

Still, myself and my attendee got on well and enjoyed the night. DJs and singers included... Felix Da Housecat

 

Todd Terry

 

 

Alison Limerick

 

I’ve been trying to see her on stage for years, but every time she’s booked something has got in the way. Well, not this night. Reminds me of listening to Kiss 102 as a young whippersnapper. That’s how I got into house music. Graeme Park was up next (I worked with him at Key 103 radio briefly back in 06-08). 

 

 

Great night. I’m going to try to run more house music nights via Manchester Nightlife. 

 

Great Hacienda Classical After Party on 5/7/25. Left: Alison Limerick with Todd Terry on the decks. Right: Graeme Park. #Manchester #alberthall

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 13, 2025 at 4:36 PM

Saturday, 12 July 2025

Pakoras

In April I jumped over to Rukmini Iyer’s India Express book to make my first attempt at deep fat frying. 

As opposed to buying a fryer, this one is done in a large pan full of hot oil. A slight test of nerve. I couldn’t find chickpea flour, so used regular. My cauliflower was extra large, not small, so when chopped up into pakora sized pieces, it made a large quantity. I could have sworn I had sunflower oil, but it turned out mine was olive. Last minute trip to Aldi ensued. 

Then it was fry time. The bread took seconds to cook through. The onions, a few minutes. The whole recipe should have taken 35 mins. With a shopping trip in the middle, it took me just under 2 hours. The recipe serves 4-6 as a snack, so the contents of the prepped ingredients made a few meals worth. 

Result: Quite nice. Very filling. Not particularly healthy.

Tuesday, 8 July 2025

ANOTHER Viking Month

Time for a new Viking project

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 8, 2025 at 7:55 PM

Back in June / July 2023 I tried out a couple of Viking-themed projects, first an attempt to learn as much as I could about that era of history and a family lineage connection to it, then a practical attempt to eat and work out like a 9th-century Norseman. See the theory and practical write-ups on the blog. I grew a massive beard, ate a load of vegetable stew and worked out focussing on rowing and deadlifts, as it’s considered these are staples of Viking workout regimen. 

By the end of the project, I still couldn’t fit into my suit trousers and I still had Viking themed shows on my Netflix watchlist. Vikings Valhalla and 7 Kings Must Die had remained untouched. 

Then Netflix changed their service so you couldn’t have more than one account on the same email, if they were in different houses. As it was my sister’s Netflix, that was the end of my digital freeloading. 

Back in August last year, I wrote out another list of tasks, this time to do before turning 43. I’ve so far done 3 of these: I got back into the suit trousers (briefly), I did Veganuary, and I learned nunchucks

Next up: another Viking project. 

This time the focus is on the workouts that Vikings would have done: the chin-ups, dips, rowing and deadlifts. Let’s see if I can beat any records on these. Pump class and circuit class have the kind of movements that Norsemen would have been practising (minus the hardcore dance music). Sauna and steam were popular with Vikings, having originated in Scandinavia hundreds of years earlier

I’ll also eat how they ate – "dagmal" (day meal) and "nattmal" (night meal) were a Norseman’s 2 daily feasts. I have the Eat Like a Viking cookbook by Craig Brooks, with traditional millenia-old recipes. I cooked a couple in ‘23. 

It’s also time to buy my own Netflix and hammer through some more historical Viking content while working out. The aim is to get back down to 72.2kg again (I’m currently 79.8). 

It would also be great to get out to some of the other Scandinavian capitals. Copenhagen was great last year. Stockholm looks like the next location for Viking museums and other culture. If I do this for a month, the deadline would be way past my birthday anyway, so instead let’s just do it until I exhaust the Viking content on Netflix. 

I just have to buy an account now...

Monday, 7 July 2025

Hello Oriental Saturday?

On the blog: reviews of the journaling event and the Hacienda event, a new monthly project about fitness and history, a book review, some recipe reviews and a piece on how to train your attention span. 

In the city: Manchester Nightlife are out for food in the new Asian hub, Hello Oriental on Oxford Rd. Expect a wide range of food, perhaps an Eastern spin on Mackie Mayor. I dunno. Not been yet. 

Last week World’s Strongest Man Tom Stoltman did an AMA. I asked him Popbitch’s baboon vs badger in a fight question. He’s of the ‘baboon all day’ opinion. That made it into the newsletter.

World's strongest man answering the most important question

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 7, 2025 at 7:33 AM
I also made Paralympic Taekwondo gold medallist Amy Truesdale laugh.

Got a laugh out of Amy Truesdale MBE, para taekwondo champion

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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 7, 2025 at 7:30 AM

Saturday, 5 July 2025

The Missing Piece



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— Matt Tuckey 🇬🇧 (@matttuckey.bsky.social) July 5, 2025 at 1:36 PM

 

Relationships can be hard work. They’re never smooth sailing and there’ll always be challenges. There are a thousand books about how to navigate your relationship, so when writing a book on this topic, the challenge is to write something that hasn’t already been discussed, and in a way that draws people in and keeps them reading. 

An email came through to me from Ascot Pr.  

‘Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared loneliness “an epidemic on par with tobacco use and obesity.” But there is hope. Creating healthy connections is a skill set that can be learned, say Stacey and Paul Martino, and they share their groundbreaking methodology in their new book, The Missing Piece.’ 

With an opener like that, you’d get the feeling that the book might be more about the formation of relationships in its early stages, or advice for single people on beginning one. The Missing Piece, however, focusses more on how to sustain an existing relationship. That isn’t my circumstance at the moment (rarely, in fact), but I’d agreed to review it anyway so I ploughed through it. 

It turns out Dr Murthy actually doesn’t feature in the book at all, and that loneliness isn’t exactly covered. The Missing Piece is more an investigation into the differences in how men and women communicate with each other in their relationships. It’s a guidebook for sustaining a relationship through communication, and is intended to help us understand how men and women communicate differently. 

An interesting premise, although hardly original. But as a result of Dr Murthy’s absence, there’s no clear indication of qualification from the authors. Did the Martinos go to university? Which one? What did they study? Have they had a clinic? Do they see patients? In essence, I’m asking, why should I believe this couple? 

That said, I myself have been in NHS therapy many times and I’ve picked up a certain amount of psychological knowledge and skills from these experiences. I’ve also read a lot of psychology books, many of which were recommended to me by said therapists. There’s a lot in The Missing Piece that I’d agree with – men ruminating over a disagreement for longer than women might, as we want to protect people in relation to whatever the problem was, for example. Another: women will sometimes describe a problem but not actually wanting a possible solution as a response, and men not realising that and thus diving in with their own 2 pennies, as another. The Martinos helpfully label these as ‘processing conversations’ and ‘solving conversations.’ (Key point, if you were wondering: assume it’s ‘processing.’ Don’t offer advice unless she asks for it.) 

A lot of what’s advised in the book rings true with what therapists etc. have advised me, but there were times where I raised my eyebrows. There’s a section on how we react negatively to things that other people say or do, or our ‘triggers.’ Stacey here believes that no one is triggering us, and that other people being late, for example, is an issue for us to deal with. People are sometimes late. It’s life. But what the Martinos don’t discuss is when people are always late, then we’re going to see a pattern. It’s not respectful to your time to constantly be waiting for the same person. Surely you’d prefer they were honest about their own time frames than left us standing around. Just to say to the reader ‘you haven’t solved your own triggers yet’ feels a lot like gaslighting. 

The Martinos discuss problem solving in relationships, and break this down into 4 types of ‘human processing’ – how we deal with situations like partner arguments. The descriptions do make sense – I’d describe myself as Type 4 of these, a ‘methodical and patient processor.’ There are others, but again, says who? Have any major universities or psychological bodies backed up this criteria? 

As much as I may have agreed with chunks of the book, I found it a difficult read. I’d agree that there’s a level of work that needs to be done to keep relationships and marriages going, but when you’re discussing ‘healing in a relationship where trust has been broken,’ that sounds like an affair to me. Wouldn’t most people just move on? Wouldn’t that be the right thing to do? There are times like perhaps these, or definitely when abuse is present, where the relationship SHOULD end. There wasn’t much discussion around THAT. 

The Martinos also advise against measuring what you get in a relationship to what you give. But, if you don’t have your eyes open to what’s happening in a relationship… how would you know if you were being taken for a mug? 

Maybe that’s my own weakness coming through. I dunno. 

The book also fails to mention that the more developed a nation is, and the more rights women have, the higher the divorce rate. Are the undeveloped nations, where women face greater inequality, really having better conversations with each other and saying together as a result? Or are there more evident barriers to divorce, whether practical or bureaucratic? And in the more developed western nations like in Scandinavia, where the divorce rate is among the highest in the world, wouldn’t the more open conversations likely to be happening more there anyway? Given the high standard of their education? 

The book offers up a lot of key phrases with capitalised words, most of which I forgot the meaning after they've been defined, and there’s no glossary for these things. Also, the acknowledgements section at the end doesn’t indicate anyone involvedin the book having a psychological background. 

Furthermore, the Martinos suggest that ‘being too different’ is just an excuse to split up, and that people say that and then end the relationship because they actually ‘came to the end of their skill set.’ But surely, sometimes, Person A just doesn’t want to be with Person B because they just aren’t making them happy? The Missing Piece’s principle is that relationships can be saved. Wouldn't they’d be much happier with people that they suit better? The book overlooks the idea that staying together ‘for the kids’ – children they’ve had in that relationship - is only going to cause more harm, and that by dragging the relationship out, their kids are going to be exposed to constant arguments. The emphasis on trying to keep couples together felt to me like gaslighting, or perhaps shortsightedness. 

There were other parts of it that didn’t sit right with me – either it got too technical and relied on a bit too much phraseology, or that examples of conversations seemed too formal. 

Maybe I’m missing the point of the book. I dunno. I think with a bit more science and authoritative input it could have had more impact. 

That, for me, was the missing piece.

Monday, 30 June 2025

Hacienda Classica Afterparty This Weekend

 

The last meetup I ran was a success with a good group of lads joining up for food and drinks in the sun. A good contrast to previous nights out. There’s honestly a part of me wondering how long I want to keep running these meetups, with the cost, the no-shows, the fallouts, the backstabbing, the difficult people using meetup as a crutch for a social life when they clearly can’t form those friendships any other way. Am I including myself here? I don’t know. 

I realise on the one hand these #prospectivemondays posts are an attempt to draw people in and encourage people to try events and meet new people themselves, and thus complaining about the flakiness and the unnecessary arguments kinda works against that, but I blog about my life, and disappointments are unfortunately part of it. It’s a lot of money to keep being let down. 

Well, I’ve got a handful of ideas left. Then I’ll make a decision. 

One of those ideas: taking other people’s events and running meetups to coincide with them, encouraging the meetup groups to take part in something that otherwise wouldn’t be listed there. I’ve ran a few meetups previously in Hinterland, the vegan cafe in The Northern Quarter. Hinterland run a lot of events themselves, and I’ve been quite tempted to get involved, but their events book up quickly as it’s a small venue. I’ve managed to get a free ticket to a journaling class that they’re running on Wednesday. The theme is ‘Freedom.’ How free are we, as people? 

I have put up a meetup for this on Manchester Psychology Social Group, but I’m the only attendee there. There are still tickets on Eventbrite. Wednesday night, 7pm. 

Saturday night: Manchester Nightlife is out again, this time to The Albert Hall for Hacienda Classical Afterparty. On the decks: Todd Terry, Felix Da Housecat and Greame Park. Also expect a live PA from Alison Limerick of Where Love Lives fame. I’ve missed several attempts to see her perform this over the years! 

In other news, I’ve managed to surpass 1 and a third million hits on the blog, partly after an immense and somewhat inexplicable spike in the last month. More hits have come in in the last month than in any other month since I’ve ran the blog.