The Machinist Diet is Complete… sorta

A month ago I set a challenge to diet down to a weight target by eating only a can of tuna and an apple every day. This was, if the DVD is correct, how actor Christian Bale prepared for his skeletal role in 2004’s The Machinist. 

 I started this on the 15th August. I know through experience that diets can be hugely wasteful if you’ve already got food in your fridge and freezer, as diets can end up lasting longer than you might expect and stuff goes off. So I alternated. A can of tuna and an apple for tea one day, a full meal from the fridge freezer the next. Very steadily, the weight started to drop. 

The month-long project ended with a deadline of 15th September. I started at 86.2kg and ended at 77.6kg. I had been 76.9kg at one point. A lot of skipping and gym classes kept me burning calories. The classes were HARD when you’ve hardly eaten anything, and skipping just gets very clumsy and it’s hard to work up a sweat when you’re constantly tripping over the rope through exhaustion. 

It becomes more confusing when you’re watching the first 2 seasons of David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, trying to follow the incomprehensible plot.

 

But the diet is over now, and for the moment, I’m eating what I want. Weight is predictably flying back up, but I’m finding I’m fuller much quicker. A stomach has the tendency to shrink when virtually nothing goes in it. 

I may try The Machinist Diet again next year, by depleting the freezer first and solidly sticking to 1 can of tuna and 1 apple every evening.

Well, I’m still trying this Machinist Diet.

Nearly a month ago I embarked on this idiotic, exhausting and unproductive project: trying to eat the same food that Christian Bale ate for his skeletal performance in 2004’s The Machinist. 

Unfortunately, I have neither the willpower not the willingness to waste food, so throughout the month I’ve – on occasion – eaten only a can of tuna and an apple, as Bale reportedly did daily. But usually my sole meal has been something else – freezer food, soup (until it went off), or roast dinners at my mum’s weekly. The weight is not particularly dropping off. I started at 86.2kg. I was 79kg this morning. 78.1 yesterday morning. Considering how little I’m eating, and how much skipping I’ve done, I can’t understand how this weight is staying on me. I dunno if the 2 kilos of peanut buter I've mullered through have anything to do with it. 

On Tuesday, I’ll have been doing this Machinist Diet for a month. After that, I’m tempted to just fast it out until I hit 72.2kg.

Manchester Boob Walk… on Caraway

A month ago I attempted to get high on caraway, a seed available in many supermarkets, while attending the Manchester Day Parade. According to Dan Nestor – author of Get High Now (Without Drugs) – this is perfectly achievable. Minor dizziness and sickness was the upshot. 

I still had half the pot, so I figured a surreal – but very meaningful – gathering might be an ideal opportunity to try it out again. 

I don’t want to overlook the purpose of the event I attended today. Saturday 5th March, Manchester held host to the Boob Walk, raising awareness of Breast Cancer. There are around 59,400 new breast cancer cases in the UK every year, that's around 160 every day, according to Cancer Research UK. 

Hence, several hundred women dressed as breasts paraded from St Peter’s Square, down Oxford Rd and into Circle Square, where alternative event Manchester Psych Fest was taking place, with a rave, trippy outfits and yoga on offer. So fuck knows what a bunch of high-as-a-kite hippies thought when a barrage of literal tits rocked up for a photoshoot. 

 

Of course, on the way, I was chugging down this half pot of caraway seeds. These, Nestor says, give a sensation that’s ‘identical to taking an aspirin for a headache, but without having the headache.’ Maybe. We met at the Library at 11. By 11:30 I’d eaten the rest of the pot. Again, maybe a slight dizziness took over. I dunno. I made sure I kept drinking water; it was still a mild September day and when you’re walking, you notice the warmth. 

At this point, I noticed someone famous was in Manchester. I wanted to see if I could snap a selfie with them, so I bailed on the boobs and bussed to a different part of Manchester. But where? And for whom? Stay tuned...

Suffragette Annie Kenny getting in on the action

This Machinist Diet is starting to get painful.

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2 weeks ago I started this Machinist Diet: an attempt to eat like Christian Bale did in preparation for his role as an anorexic insomniac. My goal isn't to look like him - it's to hit 72.2kg. 

It’s taking a lot longer than I thought, although it’s really starting to hurt now. Yesterday I just had tuna and apple for lunch, with no other meal all day. Then I blasted through circuit class as best as I could. This morning I did pump, sauna and steam. I’m about to eat again now. I’m still 82.4kg, a very minor reduction considering how little I’ve eaten and how much exercise I’ve done. Both my skipping ropes snapped on Thursday, so I bought 2 more, much sturdier this time. 

One thing I’ve noticed on The Machinist Diet – you don’t have to clean the kitchen anywhere near as much. Hardly any food prep or consumption happens in it. I still have a load of soup to eat, plus stuff in my freezer. I’m out of milk, protein drinks, cheese and eggs. 

Oh, also, I watched all the (very interesting) extras on The Machinist DVD. 

Let’s see what happens next...

Machinist Diet Update

Last Saturday I described this insane diet basted on Christian Bale’s efforts to prepare for his role in The Machinist. 

The problem with a diet like this is that we all have food in our cupboards, fridges and freezers, and there’s no point it going off. So you might as well eat it. And that’s what I’ve been doing: with one meal per day, munching through the eggs, bread and other perishables. I also had made a huge pan of vegetable soup. I had some ingredients for a recipe, so I bought the remaining goods and cooked that too. I’ve actually got loads of non-tuna-and-pineapple stuff still to go. Furthermore, my mum – who doesn’t yet know I’m doing this project – invited me round for a curry. This absolutely stuffed me. When you're only eating one meal a day, it takes a long time to use up. 

Soon, though, it will be just a can of tuna and an apple as a daily meal - as confirmed by the director below...

I watched The Machinist, and understood it a lot better this time. I’ve also watched the commentary track, in which director Brad Anderson clears up a few of the more confusing plot points. I totally forgot Michael Ironside and Jennifer Jason Leigh were in this. 

I started this at 86.2, went down to 83.2 and am currently back up at 85.9. Teething problems. I’m steadily skipping it off. Watch what happens this next week.

 

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The Machinist Diet

 

In 2004 Actor Christian Bale took up the titular role of The Machinist, a factory worker with insomnia whose interactions – possibly hallucinations – with other people drive him to the brink of insanity. I saw it in probably 2006. I enjoyed it but didn’t understand it. I made a plan to watch it again, but then life got in the way. 

20 years later, I’ve managed to get my hands on the DVD and bargain basement price, and it includes some extras. At the time I watched it I was probably in the best physical shape of my life, doing Muay Thai and weights, and eating my mum’s excellent cooking. There was definitely no need to lose any weight. In 2010, however, I moved out, and under the lacklustre care of social services, I spiralled. I had no idea how to cook, shop for food or budget. The abs went within weeks, and never came back. At the time I moved out I was 68kg. Over the years, I spiralled up to 90kg. I managed to diet down to 72 a couple of times, but I’m currently 86.2. 

So. I need to lose exactly 14 kilos. 72.2kg is the weight I know I need to be to fit into my 30” suit trousers. The fastest way I can imagine doing this is this what I understand Christian Bale did to achieve that gaunt physique. 

Pretty simple really: a can of tuna and an apple every day. This might be a terrible idea, but the reality is a working kitchen usually is already stocked with a load of food. If you try these diets, you risk letting the food go off, even if it’s in the freezer. These projects can take longer than you might expect. So, for the moment, I’ll alternate between eating a full meal a day, and eating a can of tuna and an apple a day. I’ll do this until the rest of the food runs out. But essentially, cans of tuna and bags of apples will be all I’ll be buying until I hit the target weight. In the meantime, I’ll watch the whole of the DVD, plus other media, and use a skipping rope until the weight comes off. I’ll try to keep up with gym classes, but I expect I’m going to have to reduce the weights a bit. Fighting the cravings and sticking to the plan is the tie-in to psychology. The mental task of committing to the diet is probably harder than the physical effort of moving when incredibly hungry. 

I’m getting drunk tonight, but after that… it begins.

Getting High on Caraway at the Manchester Day Parade

What is caraway? It’s ‘the fruit of a flowering green shrub, one of the oldest cultivated spices in history.’ So says Dan Nestor in his book Get High Now Without Drugs. Julius Caesar was a fan, as were many other Romans and Greeks. Used for digestion and glowing skin, caraway can also be used as a mild sedative. 

I’ve tried a few supermarket herbs listed in GHNWD, and so far I’ve felt nothing. But I wanted to give caraway a shot. Third time’s a charm and all that. I found a pot in a supermarket and waited for the right opportunity. 

The opportunity arose Sunday 26th July, with the return of the annual Manchester Day Parade, a celebration of Manchester’s diverse cultures and social groups. Visit Manchester says ‘This year's celebrations feature a special Catalan twist, celebrating Manchester's cultural links with Barcelona, alongside the National Year of Reading. Visitors can enjoy live music, dance, street theatre, pop-up performances and interactive activities throughout the day.’ 

 

 

 

 

As you can see from the pictures, there was a heavy Spanish theme to the day’s proceedings, which started around 1pm in St Peter’s Square near the Central Library. Giant papier maché models of people and animals, dancers of several disciplines, a guy dressed as a fish staring into my very soul and several big fuck-off inflatable dragons contributed to the cavalcade of weirdness, which was made weirder when I started to casually chug down this Tesco pot of caraway seeds. 

I swallowed maybe a teaspoon’s worth at a time, over a couple of hours. I’d maybe swallowed half the 40g pot. By around 2pm I started to feel slightly dizzy, then a bit sick. But at least I felt something. 

I’ve still got half the pot, so perhaps I’ll try again at another fittingly bizarre event, maybe a Bongo’s Bingo night or some kind of celebrity meet.