Saturday: Local DJ Elliot Eastwick, from Revolution radio station, sounds the horn. A hundred-or-so identically-dressed Santas start a steady jog down Uppermill's High Street and on towards the surrounding countryside villages. It's Saturday 2nd December, and the annual Santa Dash has begun.
There's a blockade of Father Christmases, male and female, taking over the road, breaking into a run, heading out down unnamed bridlepaths. By the time I get back to my car, they've already taken routes that I can't reach. I look online, but it dawns on me that I can't read maps anyway.
I might give competing a shot next year.