Friday, 12 September 2014

Absolute drunken hysteria in Newcastle

Went to Geordie Land for a stag do. Started in Florita's bar (recommended)

We had a VIP table booked in House of Smith next door, a smart, classy club featuring stage shows including fire-breathers and a zip-wiring dwarf in a cape. We booked a VIP booth, with table service provided by the lovely Christie

The only downside was drunkenly pouring Woodford Reserve into my eye.

We were (or, more “I was”) too wasted to get into Lap dancing club Blue Velvet, where the doorman told us we'd missed local model / page 3 girl / famous-on-twitter person Chelsea Ferguson

Saturday: we dressed the stag in a gimp suit and took him through the city from pub to pub, parents shielding their children's eyes as we led him through the high streets. We sat him on a park bench next to a tramp, who woke up in a state of paralysed terror, the whole scene making a great photo. We settled in Players, a male-orientated sports bar where short-but-big-boobed girls in Newcastle football tops danced on podiums. The DJ unceremoniously bollocked me over the mic for taking this picture

It took me a second to realise I was the “Cliff Richard” he was referring to, and that everyone in the bar was staring at me. It's not that kind of bar, if you get me. Suffice to say, I did not pull in here.

We sat the stag in the “dentist's chair” and plied him with booze, cream and cranberry juice. He was a warrior and skulled the lot of it.

(Not our stag)

There was a refrigerated metal bar fixed into the floor on supports, coupled with an LCD display. The DJ was challenging people to hang off the bar, testing their grip strength. I managed 1 minute 14, better than some.

We'd scouted out a row of trendy bars for the evening. I went on soft drinks from hereon in as the previous night had hit me hard. We started with Madame Koo

where old-skool dance set the scene, and rolled on to Perdu

where I got stalked by some weird Liza Minnelli lookalike. I recommend Perdu but I was out of steam by the time we got there.

So, Newcastle: the clubs are smart, the people are friendly and the women are damned good-looking. For away legs it's worth trying.

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