I
like my Manchester nightlife, as you've probably noticed unless this
is your first visit to the site. I've written a lot about the places
to which I give my seal of approval. But what about the places I
won't go to? And why won't I go there? And more to the point, if we
have the same taste, which places should you avoid like chlamydia?
1) Yorkshire
St
The
whole of Oldham's bar strip can do one. I haven't been in years. The
place is populated by crazed neo-nazi sociopaths, stalkers, weirdos
and people who clearly haven't set foot out of their own borough
since last August's trip to Benedorm. Thankfully the bar strip has
been dying a death since the Panorama documentary
aired in '09, exposing the town's horrendous problems with alcohol
and violence.
2) Walkabout
Every
branch of this Australasian franchise is the same- dodgy mainstream
spirits, overpriced, sticky floors, tacky décor, shite pop music
that should have been kept in landfill since 2007, gold-chain-wearing
roid-heads desperate to prove themselves and women who think they're
Christina Aguliera (but more resemble The Fat Slags from the Viz
comic). Manchester's Quay St branch may be larger than most, but it's
no exception.
3) Jilly's
Rockworld
Me
and rock music do not mix. I like some of the songs, but the venue as
a whole is as far from “my thing” as you can get.
4) 5th
Avenue
Similar
to the above only on a smaller scale- indie music leaves me cold.
Bland clientele with minimal female talent. Floor like a swamp.
5) 42nd
Street
Another
indie venue of similar appearance and sound. In fact, in about 2007 I
went to meet some people in 5th Ave but forgot where it
was and strayed into 42nd without even thinking. It was
only when I saw the 42nd emblems on the walls that the
penny dropped and I realised I had to trek across town to meet my
mates in an equally depressing hellhole.
6)
Revolucion De Cuba
I
went here on the opening night and received more than my fill of
Daddy Yankee, Pitbull and J-Lo. Slow bar service. It's drinks menu is
mostly rum-based, so as a whisky drinker I wasn't bowled over. Yawn.
Crowded, slow service. Also, I got stalked by some twins who go here
a lot.
7)
Stalyvegas
The
bar centre of Stalybridge used to be decent when nightclub Rififi was
open and playing house and dance music. After a while it slipped into
the realm of mainstream, and with it came the roided up 18-year-olds
desparate to prove themselves, which resulted in the original
clientele sacking it off and shelling out for Manchester instead. The
club died a death and surrounding bars soon followed suit.
8)
Mojo
Small
cramped indie venue out near Quay Street. Sorry, but when
Spinningfields' The Avenue is right next door, there's really no
reason for me to have a “down and dirty” night.
9)
Walrus
Not
an easy one to explain- it's not badly designed, quite smart, has a
decent clientele with a handful of good looking women- even the
music's pretty good with 00's era RnB and a bit of house thrown in.
But it's also very cramped, and the Yellow Submarine theme of the
design is a bit too gimmicky for repeated visits.
10)
Venus
The
amount of times I've had problems with this Blackfriars Rd venue is
ridiculous. Their nights are “regulars only”, so you have to be
turned down a few times before the doormen recognise you and give you
a chance. It's like getting into Project Mayhem in Fight Club, only
instead of a dilapidated building it's a swanky but soulless
rectangular box playing house music. It's populated largely by
stuck-up dolly birds and steroid abusers desperate to prove that they
aren't just pretty boys (which is subjective to begin with). It's a
shame because I have met a few decent people there, and the DJs are
superb.
11)
The Gay Village
Yes.
The entirety of the Gay Village is off limits for me for a number of
reasons.
First,
the narrow streets are a perfect prowling ground for pickpockets, of
which there are many in Manchester. Watch out for people trying to
salsa dance with you- they're after your phones, and they are
surprisingly good at it. Second, the music in the Village is dire,
even by cheesy standards. It's another level. If Revolucion De Cuba
is Wensleydale, AXM is pure Gorgonzola. It's off the chart
horrendous. Third, straight guys like me get HOUNDED in the village.
We get lots of unwanted attention, on a level that we don't get
anywhere else, and it leaves me feeling like I've got to watch my
back at every moment. Fourth, The Village includes Canal Street, an
area of canal water. It's right next to a load of bars in which
people get drunk. And people do drown in those canals. It's never
been a good idea to have the two factors so close together, but in
recent years this has been a particular hazard- a number of bodies
were pulled out of the canals in Manchester Centre. Canal Street has
been a popular drinking area for decades, but these deaths have only
occurred in recent years. Fifth- many suspect the deceased- all men-
were murdered. I believe it's possible.
12) Vina
Karaoke
This
Portland Street dive is largely full of drunk people who think they
can sing, but cannot. You'll be waiting a long time if you want to
join the karaoke queue- at least an hour on a Saturday night. Crowded
and plain (aside from the fluorescent seats that change colour like a
bad acid trip). Some drunk chav offered me a free bump of cocaine in
the toilets. I politely declined.
13) Ashton-Under
Lyne
I
used to drink here every Thursday night back in 2000-2001. It was a
weekly ritual in college, and I did it basically to fit in. The bars
were dull and the music was shit, apart from an hour of garage and
R'n'B in Loveshack (appropriately known as Shit Shack). The men
outnumbered the women 2:1 and the females you came across were
rarely good-looking (there was the odd exception, before my contacts
there kick off). There were never enough taxis, even on a Thursday, so you ended up risking being punched by a chav in the cab queue outside the market.
14) Oxford
Road
I
used to live just off Oxford Rd in Manchester's student area. The
stretch of the street caters to students who only want alcohol- no
conversation, no particular style of music other than cheese, no
range of visual style, just dull box-like rooms with a bar in it
playing Two Princes and Chesney Hawkes numerous times a night. Enough
to put you off going to uni and getting into debt in the first place.
15) Royton
A
small town on the outskirts of Oldham, Royton caters to people who
have a particular desire to either drive souped-up Golfs around town
mouthing off at people, or to throw bottles at said drivers.
16) Chadderton
A
very deprived area of Oldham with high racial tension and low
cleanliness. If you really want a suicidal night, check out The
Cartoon, a pub for teenagers with steroid rage (and the acne to
match), who kick off with their own girlfriends and punch the fruit
machines.
17) Saddleworth
Scenic
with plenty of greenery, if you like that kind of thing, but it still
has its fair share of knobheads. Uppermill can frequently be rough.
Miles from anywhere metropolitan. A nightmare to get in and out of
when it snows. Some of the smaller villages like Delph and Dobcross
are impossible to find without a satnav. Like the Gay Village,
Uppermill has a load of drinking establishments right next to an
un-cordoned canal. (It's never the wisest idea, but side issue: why
don't people fall into the canals in Saddleworth? Why only the Gay
Village?)
18) Thaikun
This
clunky-looking Spinningfields-located Thai restaurant serves
unimpressive food on rough, uncomfortable seating.
19) Rochdale
20) The Moon Under The Water
The
biggest pub in Manchester is also one of the chavviest.
Terribly-dressed clientele, shit pop music, dull drinks and... well,
it's a Wetherspoons. They're all the same.
21) Hula
Tikki
“dive bar” in the Northern Quarter. The name says it all- it's a
dive. Built like a shack, cramped, adourned with thousands of
photographs like the home of a crazed detective trying to solve too
many mysteries at once. I'm not a rum fan, so the drinks I don't
find particularly exciting.
22) Liars
Club
Another
Tikki bar on Back Bridge Street off Deansgate. As far as I'm
concerned it's indistinguishable from the above.
23) The
Ritz
I
used to like the Wednesday Love Train nights back in my student days,
but that now the club has been “refurbished” at the cost of £2
million the 70's-themed disco-fest has been cut from the roster. The
club looks no different after the apparent makeover. I went more
recently on a Saturday. Music was too heavy. I like my house music,
but it was all a bit tech-y for my tastes. Also, the male-to-female
ratio included no fit women in the noticeably cock-heavy crowd.
24) Wave
Bar
It
occurs to me writing this that the whole of Portland Street needs a
makeover. Or maybe not- the people I've met there have usually been
trouble, and the bars are a dump anyway. Keep them there.
25) Rogue
bar
Next
door to Wave. Similar clientele, worse décor.
26) Baby
Blue
I'm
not in the habit of frequenting lap dancing clubs, but the one time I
went to this one was when EVERYWHERE was dead on a Friday night about
4 years ago. Rough venue, average-looking dancers, mostly drunk and
coked up girls who can't dance and would still be overpriced even if
it smartened up.
27) Waxy
O'Connor's
I
tend to stay away from the Printworks as a general rule of thumb, but
this particular Irish bar's wooden décor and cramped multi-storey
layout makes me feel like a hobbit that never left the shire.
28) Lock
91
Cramped,
low-roofed public house opposite Deansgate Locks. Just felt very
claustrophobic to me. But, I was there for a very busy event.
29) Temple
Bar
Although
this is an Oxford Rd bar, I felt it necessary to list this separate
to number 14) as the majority of the street caters for students, but
not this bar. Close to the St Peter's Square where the road changes
its name to Peter St, The Temple is a bar that was converted from
public toilets some years ago. Great if you like cramped awkward
settings, no fire exits, leather-clad sweaty bikers and women that
could easily beat you up.
30) The
Ducie
Very
old and run-down pub out near the CIS buildings beyond the Northern
Quarter. I only ever went there because some strange guy I was mates
with liked to go to get hammered and perform terrible karaoke. You
still see the roughest clientele in the city sat on the benches
outside on a Saturday evening, arguing about which tracksuit is best
to go out in or how to score crack the cheapest. Or whatever.
31) Satan's
Hollow
Rock
venue on Princess St. Could have sworn I went here when I was 18 and
hated it, but that was 15 years ago. I'm looking through the pictures
right now. I don't recognise it, but I'm sure as shit not going.
32) Bella
Italia
There's
a branch of this chain Italian restaurant in Piccadilly Gardens. I
went twice in around 2000 / 2001: the first time 2 of us got food
poisoning, the second time the girl who did the first time ordered
what I'm sure was the same dish and got food poisoning again.
33) Corbieres
Described
as a “wine cavern” on Google, this hidden-away watering hole is
designed to look like it's carved out of a giant rock on Half Moon St
near the Royal Exchange. A concave-roofed affair blasting indie music
on a juke box, the claustrophobic bar- not unlike the cantina from
Star Wars, but without the puppets- has astoundingly-good reviews on
Google. By people who like that kind of thing.
34) Crazy
Pedros
Another
dive bar that looks as if it'll fall down next week. Not far from
Liars and Mojo, if you want a suicidal night out.
35) The
Ruby Lounge
Rock
venue in the Northern Quarter. I had a mate in a punk band who was
“singing” there. I felt very out of place. Shame, because its
former incarnation- Ohm- was a cool house music club. (But then,
there were a handful of arseholes then too.)
So
if you're a person after my own heart, male or female, you might not
enjoy these places. So where might you enjoy instead? Well, stay
tuned for further posts and you'll get plenty of ideas...
